“Are You Jewish? Or What Do You Even Believe?” : An Autistic’s View of God
I am adopted. I was adopted when I was very young and I was dying. According to my mom, she said that I was not going to make it, if I wasn’t adopted. I had very underdeveloped lungs, and I was pretty much on my death bed.
The thing about being a “weird Jew” is that I identify as a Jewish woman, but I am sometimes unaware of the customs that go along with it. My family that adopted me, aren’t really religious, and we do have some Jewish roots, but did nothing about it. For me, as I got to the point of wanting to be “closer to my faith,” I really felt Judaism pulling at me and tugging at me. I tried being “Christian” and that.. that- turned to be very uncomfortable for me, knowing how some view different people. I felt like me being Jewish found more happiness for me. I’m not Orthodox, or I’m not Hasidic, but I am Reform, which I have felt welcomed in the community. I go to Temple when I can, but I will say, that I am still trying to learn all the customs and the ways of being Jewish. People have told me that I’m “not really Jewish” because my mother isn’t Jewish. Actually, my birth mother was. From my understanding, she was an Orthodox Jew that had to get rid of me fast. I was four months too early, not sure how that happened, but I was early and I barely made it out alive.
When I was younger, I really hated God, for what he did to my family: He took my grandmother away. That really didn’t help my faith relationship. As an autistic woman, I had a difficult relationship with God. I never understood why things would happen or why things were occurring, but if someone died, especially in my family, I would blame God and I wasn’t sure why. When my grandparents were all gone, I really didn’t want anything to do with God. When I began to do my research on Holocaust Teens and Children, it almost was as if God placed them in my life for some reason.
It’s at that time when I felt my own faith pull, and that was in the direction of Judaism. To be honest, I have felt more at home with that than anything else. It works out great for me, and sometimes, just me wearing my Star of David, makes me feel more like a person.
When people ask me “What do you believe?” I literally say, “Everyone is treated equally, and loved.” That’s it. Have I read the Torah? Well, I’m getting to it, and have I even had a Bat Mitzvah? No. I didn’t, but the Rabbi at my Temple says I can still have one.
My own faith has been tested so many times and people have said, “That’s God talking to You.” How? Is the suffering and pain that I feel, or the suffering and pain of the world, God? I don’t know. Who do we blame? (This is the Autism speaking, because a lot of us see in “Black and White”)’
When I’m trying to stay close to my faith, there is always something that happens and I go “God what is going on?” There’s not enough praying I could do to make the world better. All I can do is fight for what’s right.
As an autistic woman, God is still a grey area for me. I don’t know what God is really about and I’m exhausted by people “putting words in his mouth”. I know that God wouldn’t want this or that. God, as I’ve seen him, is suppose to love all his creations.
I hate it when people use God to attack the LGBTQ Community and it makes me sick. I’ve had to call out Pastors and Priests for doing that.
Stop. It’s not cute and the Torah has been wrongly translated, believe me babe, it has.
I don’t know what really is said, but a lot of what we read, is not translated correctly. A lot gets lost in translation.
I do not want people using “God” as a way to hate people. If I know anything about organized Religion, is that they USUALLY PREACH LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE FOR ALL. It does not say in the 10 Commandments- Which came from Judaism by the way- to LOVE THY NEIGHBOR. It does NOT say, WITH EXCEPTIONS.. SO why do you have to make exceptions. That’s why Christianity makes me feel so uncomfortable, because of shit like this. You cannot be a Christian and HATE OTHER PEOPLE. It DOES NOT WORK LIKE THAT, though you may think it does, NO. I don’t think Jesus said “HATE GAY OR TRANS FOLKS!” I highly believe that he actually said that, so quit using him as your way to hate others. You don’t have to agree or believe the same thing, but for GOD SAKE, STOP HATING OTHERS IN THE NAME OF GOD. I’m sure God is exhausted by the bigotry and the hatred, and as a Jewish woman, I am. I’m exhausted by it, seriously. It’s not cute.
I am a firm believer that we should all help each other and love one another, regardless of what we believe or what we look like or dammit, who we love or how we identify. It’s how I feel. Jewish or not, I feel like I am the werid one, who wants to wrap these Trans kids in a hug and tell them they are loved, because they are. If you’re using God or Jesus to make someone hateful, you need to quit that religion immediately, because I can tell you, GOD is not about that. I know that. It’s not good to use religion to hate other people, and that includes Jews. I know that when I put on the Star, I represent a group of people who have suffered for so long. I wear it because I identify as a Jewish woman and I love being Jewish. I am a very odd Jew though. I go to Temple, but have I read the Torah cover to cover? No. Will I ever? I hope to. I am still learning about what it means to be Jewish, so bear with me.
I am a Jewish and Autistic woman. That’s how I identify.
