Being Autistic

In the past few days, I have had so many flair ups. Autistic Flair ups, that is.

This time of year, (the holidays), I tend to fall apart. Some say I act erratic and some say that I’m just more sadder and worse to be around.

Well, I am trying to survive my first few months of marriage (it’s going well, but we had a health scare recently with my husband), but some things are falling apart and I’m overracting (as per usual), and trying to keep everyone happy. On Twitter, (it’s not there anymore due to husband’s request) I had made a post on what it’s like being Autistic for me and I’ll tell you that here now:

1. Age (Mental Capacity)

I have the mental capacity of a 16 year old. What does this mean? We all develop and we mature with age and we grow. Well, at age 16, I stopped growing mentally, which is funny because people think I act more mature than the age I am. But when things are not right, I act like a damn teenager. The doctors I had growing up, told my mom that I would never be able to identify with people my own age. I’d always like people who were younger than me, or I would never get married, for they would have to “take care of me.” I could never live on my own, or be able to have a job, because I wouldn’t understand how to keep one. Oh, I might add, they kept saying I was going to die when I was 16. But, I made it to16 and I didn’t die, obviously, but doctors keep telling me that I am not supposed to live that long and to be honest, unless I see some proof of that, I will try to live my life the best I could. Anyways, now, having the mind of a 16 year old, I tend to act like one. People tell me “ACT YOUR AGE!” I honestly can’t. When I feel like I’ve done something, I think it’s the biggest deal and I usually make things worse. It’s a terrible trait and I wish I could make it go away. Like a 16 year -old, I worry about what others think of me. I think about people I haven’t met personally on how they would feel, or how I will live the next few years. I try to put others first, but it always seems to be made about me. Mom says I am a little self -centered, and I’m doing my best to think of others, I really am working hard on that. I was always told to take care of yourself first, then others. When there’s a lot of conflict (like what’s happening now), I really try not to over-react but I do and I start panicking.

With my mental capactiy being of that of a teenager, I also have developed a panic disorder, which can be REALLY BAD, especially around the holidays. I get so much anxiety, that I become what people have called “overwhelming”. I try not to be, but like I said, my mind is that of a teenager.

To teenagers, there is so much that they worry about, well, being autistic and having the mind of a teen, I also worry alot. So please for the LOVE OF GOD, be PATIENT with me and let me try to explain myself before you just cut me off, and block me and start shit about me, because I’ve had that happen ALL MY LIFE.

2. Friends (or friendships, or lack there of)

My relationships with people is interesting. I do my best to love everyone, show them kindness, help them out in times of crisis, or even remember them on their birthdays, or the holidays. But, it seems recently, I have not been for everyone, and I have a hard time adjusting to that. Some people find me wayyy to weird to be friends with, too hyper or too dramatic, or some other reasons I don’t know. But according to some people, “I can light up a room with the way I am”. I would say that I am genuinely a kind person, and I don’t know when boundaries are being crossed, because I don’t see them or I didn’t know there was one? You must remember autistic people such as myself, are the most unaware of social cues, or social things in general. You must be patient with us, and give us some grace. With others on the spectrum, I am very patient and I usually let them do the talking if they want to (if they feel comfortable).

When I was a kid, I was PAINFULLY SHY. Hard to believe, and my co-workers couldn’t believe it either, until my brother told them. One of my managers asked if I was always talkative or hyper. My brother’s response was this:

“No, she was a loner when she was kid.” This was true. My brother also said this:

“When she was real little she was happy and loved life, and then as she got older, she kinda reverted and became a loner”. I’ll tell you why this happened and please, don’t say “Oh there must have been something wrong with you to make kids uncomfortable!” I didn’t know I was autistic at the time, and it wasn’t diagnosed until I was in college (we’ll get to that later), and I wasn’t sure on how to make friends. Usually, and I’ve found this to be everywhere, that people have their little groups and I’m usually part of that group or excluded from that group and I’m on my own. In middle school, I was usually excluded from said groups. Of course, go ahead and say it “Something YOU MUST HAVE DONE made them be that way!” Well, to be honest, I don’t know what I did to make people ostracize me so much and I still don’t. I say things and people say “Yo! That’s not cool!” Well, I am not sure of what I say out of context will be taken REALLY out of CONTEXT. I am ALWAYS DEFENDING MYSELF, because I feel like I always have to explain myself.

In middle school, I was 12, and a group of girls said I would be better off dead than alive. This was the first time that suicide came into my life or was even discussed for the first time. I had no idea what to do, so of course, I called my grandpa (who was then alive). I asked him how I die, because I was not wanted. My grandpa, (and I remember this very well), took a deep breath and he said “Why do you want to die?” I told him that some girls said I was better off dead than alive. I could hear him, in his voice, he was shaking. He told me “Do you know what suicide does to a family?” I told him, “No, I don’t.” He then proceeds to tell me, that suicide, tears a family apart. It tears the mother and father apart, and it tears grandparents to shreds. You not only leave a hole in the family, but those who actually give a shit about you, have that hole and it’s very hard to live without you. My grandpa, who was a man of little words, and I rarely saw him cry, he was sitting there explaining to a 12 year-old on what suicide does. Sadly, that time was not the only time I was told to kill myself. I’ve been told that growing up, online and off. When it was online, I was so upset by this that I really even tried a few times. Twice, I almost succeeded. But of course, why would anyone tell me to kill myself? I still have no idea. Friends, I am so scared that they just “like me” and then talk shit abou tme. I think I may have a few close friends, that have told me “Don’t even think about dying, we’d be devastated!” I think my best friend, Cassidy said it best:

“Sweet Kate, you’ve made a difference in so many people’s lives. It would be incredibly hard to process the loss of your joy, friendship and light. There would be a lot of tears and a lot of grief and the world would lose some of its sparkle. It is better with you in it Kate. It would be a tremendous loss for me and so many others”. Now that I’m a married woman, I can’t put my husband in the position of losing his wife, the silence of that I’m not there, and burden of trying to give people my things (i.e , my Deanna Durbin dolls). My friends from work, have said that they would be so sad and devastated if I were to pass. To be honest, when people don’t like me (which I’m aware is a fair few), I feel that I must remove myself from this world. But, I’ve also been told that your suffering doesn’t end when you die (at least if you kill yourself), so if I die, I’m just creating new problems for people. My grandpa also mentioned that if I die, everything stops, no family, no marriage, nothing. I didn’t want to risk not having a life, but I feel like I suffer so much and I just want the suffering to go away.

With friends, I work incredibly hard to keep them and maintain them. I try to check in with them, to see if they are doing ok, and see how to help them. Sometimes, and I do this without knowing this, I message too much, or I call too much, or I just want to see if they are ok. When someone is saying I’m overwhelming, I get so upset and I cry about it, and again, the suicidal thoughts come into play, like a few days ago, I guess something happened, and I’m really not sure what happened, but I automatically think it’s my fault. As a teacher once told me, it’ll always be MY FAULT and I MUST TAKE THE BLAME FOR IT, even when it’s NOT. But, as I always do, I say my sorry and then the people I love are very confused as to why I am saying sorry. I say I’m sorry for being a burden and I’m sorry for being a bother. Some automatically say “You’re not a burden!” or “You’re not a bother!” But people don’t understand, I regret not dying at 12, or 16, or at 28, because I could have saved myself the hurt and I could have saved you from my shit. I will say, I am not for everyone. There are people who will not accept me, and they think I use autism as an excuse for “shitty behavior”. I’ve had people tell my mother she was a horrible mother becuase of the way she raised me. She did her goddamn best, and she raised me to be a nice person, but as me, I hate conflicts and I’m never good at solving them. They make me upset and just want to give up on life. I’m sorry, but when I feel so alone and excluded or people are talking shit about me and I find out, or if they are just two-faced, I feel like I am no longer needed and I need to leave. “GET HELP KATE!” Yes, I have been getting lots of help, I am trying to see therapist, doctors and other medical professionals, that are trying their hardest to keep me alive. When I was 12, I planned my whole funeral. I wanted my dad to say a few word and I wanted my mom to show photos of me, when I was 16, I wrote my will (I have since updated it). But, that’s how alone I really feel. When people say “I Love You Kate”, I try to believe them, but when they aren’t my friends anymore, or they are being complete ass -wipes, I go back to being alone. My feelings are so damn sensitve, that any kind of conflict, I make a goddamn mountain out of a molehill and I wish people would give me some damn grace, but I am again fighting for myself and sometimes I am so exhausted by it. But, then again, I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to friends. I’m getting to the point in my life, where if you like me or want me in your life, then fine, if you don’t, then you have to let me know.

I’ve always been about COMMUNICATION. I’m VERY VERBAL about what I like and what I don’t. If I don’t like something, I will let you know. But this day and age, people don’t seem to know how to do that. With having online friends, when they send you messages, I take it two ways: They hate me or Do They hate me? It’s amazing that I never think anything positive when it comes to friends, I always think I’ll lose them, and sometimes, I usually do. When I text people, I always get neverous before I send it, cause I get this idea, that when people see my name, they will roll their eyes and sigh. I am not good at reaching out, because when I do, I’m so scared I’ll get rejected. I’m so scared of sharing my feelings, and when I do, I’m usuaully sobbing telling you I’m done suffering, I need to leave. I had one of those days on Weds, I believe, I was so overwhlemed and so upset, by what I may or may not have done to someone and I just needed to leave. When I say I need to leave, I mean I need to leave the whole world. I need to leave my mark, and say good-bye, because my mind tends to replay those words that people have told me over and over, that I’m not wanted or welcomed. People who I thought were my friends turn on me and they make others turn on me. When I was 17, I was walking downtown in Fort Worth, and I wanted to think how I could die by jumping off the buildings. I’m not worth a goddamn thing and so many people will tell you that. That’s not for you to say “Oh Kate, you’re worth so much!” If I was, I would have a bunch of friends, I wouldn’t be told to die, and I wouldn’t be feeling like shit when I ask people for help. If I was worthy, I would’ve been accepted and understood, but sadly, I’m having to make posts like this, so people can finally know how much I’ve been wanting to be accepted and understood all my life. All my life, that’s all I wanted, for people to like and accept me.

3. Mental Health

Like you’ve just read, I have severe mental health issues. I am a massive crybaby. I cry at everything, and I’m so emotional. I’ve been this way all my life. When my grandparents died, is when I did the most crying. When my grandma died on New Years in 2003, I cried for so many months, my mom sent me to a grief therapist, hoping they could help me understand that death was a part of life. Sadly, I never understood why death was part of life. We all die, as my grandpa use to say, and I thought they’d be here forever. But sadly, I was mistaken. With autism, comes other health issues sadly. Some can’t talk, some can’t walk, or function or even hold down a job. For me, I was lucky to talk, but had to have some physcial therapy growing up, because I was born 4 months too early, I had some phyical issues, like lungs, bones etc. But like I said, I get upset at conflicts. I have massive anxiety, and I get emotional. People tell me “Calm Down! You’re so overwhelming!” Well, let me ask you this, when you say that to a person with autism and with severe anxiety, what do you think that does? Make them WORRY EVEN MORE! Goodness, it’s so hard for people to think about when they say something to me, don’t make it sound like it’s mean, because for me, suicide is always on my mind. In my mind, I suffer so much, from people leaving me, to people dying and to being treated like shit, I feel like if I leave, you’ll be happier. To some, that’s the opposite. I first was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 10 and was put on ADHD meds, which of course, fucked me up and then I was told when I was 16, I had a panic disorder and needed to be medicated. But my mom didn’t know what those meds did and when I was put on them, it just made everything worse. I threw up and lost so much weight, that I almost couldn’t survive. I was taken off those.

My panic disorder, turned into severe anxiety when I turned 21. Anxitey is when someone worries so much that their lives are altered. For me, I felt the most anxiety around people I didn’t know, and then I have anxiety aroudn people I know, even including my husband. My worst fear is dying alone, with no one. You know people when they die, usually in their obit it says “They were surrounded by family and friends”, well, I’m scared that one day, I’ll end up with no friends and my husband, who would have left me at that time and I die in a house or apartment and I will be found later. I am scared to death. But funny, I think about death all the time, and I think about ending it over stupid shit, really, when I tell you why I want to die, people, who actually love me, say “Kate, those people don’t matter, I NEED YOU”. I don’t think of that, I think of the immediate time, I need to leave. I just think if I go, have at it, you can talk all the shit you want about me.

But what about your parents, your husband or those who actually love you, like Cassidy? I don’t want to put them through my death or funeral. My husband, who says “I need you, and I can’t even comprehend what would happen if you died.”

My mental health, I feel has gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. My brain (which is half dead, it’s been confirmed already), is rejecting the medications I need, though my mom says “Everyhting is going well!” No, mom, it’s not. My marriage, I’m scared to death of losing him, and I’m scared of people abandoning me (and from experience, they usually do).

My mental health gets worse as I do different things, like change jobs, or work at a new job, or try to make new friends or anything that seems like a big deal to me. But, like I’ve said, I have the mental capacity of a 16 year old, and everything is a big deal to me.

When my Grandpa died, I was 17. His death really fucked me up and it still does. I had so much I wanted to know and he didn’t see me get married and he won’t see me have children. I hate the holidays, cause he loved the holidays. He loved decorating the house, drinking hot coco, and going to the mall, where he’d sit on the bench and watch the people. He loved doing that. He took me several times and he said “Look honey, those people are buying gifts!” He loved looking at the lights in the neighborhood. He loved seeing the Christmas Carol at Casa Mañana in Fort Worth and he loved opening gifts. I always got him what he wanted (with mother’s help of course) and he loved the homemade gifts that I made for him. He loved it when I played the violin and due to mental health reasons, I don’t play anymore, but anyways, he loved the holidays. Now that he’s gone, I don’t feel that magic anymore. People say “Life changes, get over it!” But, being autistic, we focus on certian things and we fixate on things or we think in the past and we DON’T LIKE CHANGE. OH NO, CHANGE, THAT IS WHAT GETS US UPSET. So much has changed, and I have not liked it, but some thing I have. The things I’ve hated is that people have died, and I don’t like that. I don’t understand death and I don’t take deaths lightly, but yet, I’m willing to die over something dumb as fuck.

You may see me as a mental case, and you’re not the only one. Remember when you said “THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A REASON WHY KIDS DIDN’T LIKE YOU”, it’s because of tramatic events like my grandparent’s deaths or people turning on me for no real reason at all, is what makes me upset, anxious and over all alone. If you asked my mother, she’d say that I had a pretty good childhood, I don’t see it that way. Now, I do have loving parents, but I had so much happen in my years of life, that really upset me, and I can’t seem to get over them. I talk about my grandparents all the time, as if they were still here, and to be honest, it still hurts when I look at their photos, but I know that they are together, at least that’s the hope.

I don’t have a good relationship with half of dad’s side of the family and that’s not even my fault. My mom’s sister is a piece of shit, so we don’t have a good relationship with her, and it seems the only time my mom’s brother’s family gets together is for weddings or something else.

My heart hurts for so much and my health, gets worse as I get older. I try to cope in so many ways, but you can just call me a mental nut.

As an austistic woman, I tend to fixate or obsess over people, places or events. I told my mom that I wanted to go home for the holidays. She knew what I meant.

“Honey, League City is your home now. No one is there in Fort Worth,.” Then it truly hit me, we will never have those holidays there ever again. They are gone. Done. It’s over.

The holidays, I use to love, because I had grandparents and I had a family that were together. Now, it’s like no one can even get together, because I’m usually working during the holidays, but this year, I told them in the kindest way that I will not be showing up to work and if they want to fire me over that, then so be it. I don’t know how many more holidays I have with my mom (she’s 70 now!) and my dad. My brother always acts like an asshole during the holidays, so I have to be the one to keep the peace, which I have been that kid since I was 15. My parents would tell you I’m a pretty good kid, and to be honest, I was always that way because my mind would say “You’ll get a lot more if you’re nice!” (But then again, I get fucked over and it’s like why the hell was I nice?)

My anxiety causes me not to call or it causes me to call. Verbal Communication is Key for me, and if you just ignore me or don’t reply, then I’ll think I did something wrong, as I usually take the fault.

I am an empath, which I have taken advantage of because of that. I always think of what if that were me in that situation? I must help! I’ll give up the money I have for someone else, who just asks me for anything when they want me for something and that ‘s it. But, as a person who is so desperate for friends, I’ll bend over backwards for anyone for anything (leagal of course!).

I love giving people presents, and sometimes, people tell me I don’t have to buy them anything to be their friendsl. But, I love giving people gifts that they like or for the holidays. I love Hanukkah and Christmas. I love giving people cards and gifts, even though my husband says “some of those people aren’t worth it!” But, I do it anyways. Why? Because I have anxiety, that If I forget them, they’ll think I’m a bad friend.

But as I’ve come to learn, I am not for everyone and not everyone is for me. Sometimes, even online, people talk about me, or mock me because of my autism. It really sucks, but that’s how it is. You wonder why I stayed to myself for the majority of my life.

My mental health will be the death of me, I know it. But I’m struggling to stay alive as much as I can, because according to some, the world would be very boring without me.

4. Diagnosis

I was diagnosed with autism when I was 22 years old. I know, late. Some ask me what I felt when I got that diagnosis? To be honest, I was relieved, because everything made sense on why I was the way that I was . The special interests, the crying, the anxiety, the SHITTY SOCIAL SKILLS, the sadness, and everything else that goes with autism or ASD (autism Spectrum Disorder). I had a lot of tests done in 2014, and I was wondering why, but mom wanted to see what was all wrong. I had finally had an answer. I asked my mom recently what she felt when she got the news that I was on the spectrum. She said she always knew, but it didn’t bother one bit.

I was given lots of different tests and then, I was told “Hey you have autism”. It made my life a little easier or but it began to make my life harder .

It began me defending and explaining myself for years and still do.

This is what I have so far, if you have questions, let me know and I’ll be happy to talk to you about it!