Being Autistic… Here’s Some Stuff That I Feel I Wish Weren’t So Hard
I again saw a medium post About 10 Things They Couldn’t Do As An Autistic Person and again, it resonated with me, a few things I’d like to put my 2 cents on.
Have a thick skin
I have really bad RSD -rejection-sensitive dysphoria. I know that I am not loved by everyone, and I know I can come across odd, and “weird”- sorry, but when people don’t like me, or I feel like I shouldn’t even exist, it’s really hurtful and to be blunt, I’ve never felt “alive”- I’ve always felt like I belonged somewhere else. I haven’t been able to find anyone — really anyone, who will stick by me or they will be “bored” or me and leave. That’s usually the case. I have a hard time figuring out who is laughing at me and who is laughing at me- meaning- who are my real friends and who are just there for a “handout”. I do so much for people and yet they treat me like absolute shit .
Go without food, water, or caffeine
I drink a lot of Mountain dew , and I shouldn’t. My mind can’t take all that caffeine, believe me, it makes me angry and it changes my mood completly. When it comes to food, I tend to eat the same things, cause it brings me comfort and familiarity.
“Grow up”
I was always told I had the mental capacity of a teenager. I get that, cause I usually can talk to people younger than me, and most of my friends are in their 20’s, while I’m in my early 30’s. I think like a teenager, and I certianly dress like one. I hate it when people tell me to “grow up”- because I don’t know what that intentionally means. I know I can come across immature and young, but that’s how my mind works.
Run on no sleep
This has been me all my life. I’ve always had sleep issues. I would stay up late and would have to wake up super early and then would fall asleep during the day. I literally run on hardly any sleep, because my anxieties keep me awake.
Change my special interests/hyper-fixations
I have a few “special interests” — and they seem odd to the average person. I love Old Hollywood and The Holocaust. When it comes to the Holocaust, I focus maninly on the diaries and the Youth, reason this being, is because they “scream” at me the loudest and I always feel for the young people- it’s really odd, but I care about them.
The other thing is that I really like some “modern” actors/actresses too:
Darci Shaw
Thomasin Mckenzie
Jodie Comer
Phobe Dynever
Timothee Chalamet
Freya Tingley
Octavia Spencer
Viola Davis
Ashley Brooke
But that’s all.. I try not to “obess” over them, because I hate it when I do that.
I just want to show them my appreciation!
Sometimes, I can come across as being “overly obessive” and I try not- that’s the autism, I guess?
Not be autistic
People have told me “be normal!” My own mother has said this too.
But no matter how much I try to be “normal”- I can’t. I can’t be who you want me to be. I have failed my parents from being a “normal” person, functioning in soceity. I am on disablity, and I know it is embarrassing to them. I know they have to help me, like my husband does, and it’s so hard. I wish I could have had a lot of friends and had completed college in the 4 years that it usually takes, but I took longer, cause of my disbility.
I wish sometimes that I wasn’t autistic, it would have made my childhood so much easier, but sadly, I am this way.
