“Disposable”

I’m “disposable.” I know I have been for a while.

Recently, I saw one of my friends have a lovely photoshoot with one of our mutual friends and her husband. How nice. Instead of feeling with glee, my sadness kicked in. Why am I never asked to be in something like that? What is really wrong with me? Are people really avoiding me? I’m fun? OR am I just annoying? What is wrong?

All my life, people have left me. Friends have gone away, and I’ve been alone. I’m a lonely person. I know, yes I’m married, but my husband, he has to work long hours and many days or nights, so I am by myself a lot. My heart has yearned for true friends, who want to include me, who want me to actually spend time with them, not just what I can “do” for them- like drive them around, or pay for everything (trust me that gets annoying ).

I know around this time of year, I can get unbearably sad, and I don’t understand why — and also around this time of year, people leave me, fuck me over, and then, I become even more lonesome.

I’m always there for people, so, why aren’t people there for me?

It’s very sad, when I start feeling the loneliness I’ve always felt all my life.

I wrote about having a lonely childhood, and yet, being only 32, seems even more lonely. I try to be positive and get out there to see people, but I always don’t the reaction that I’d hoped I get. I always am super excited about seeing people, and yet, I don’t always get the same reaction.

Is it me? Am I just that horrible to look at?

Or what is it about me?

Why can’t people be straight forward with me?

Don’t beat around the bush, just tell me.

If I’m an embarrassment to you, then tell me.

I am sorry.

Sometimes, I just so happy to see my friends. It’s nice to feel “Wanted.”

Someone asked me, “What would make you happy?”

• Be included
• Have people reach out to me first
• Maybe be “famous” (that would be fun!)
• Have some “famous” friends :)
• JUST BE INCLUDED

That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

But instead, here I am, the “disposable” one.