“Do You Believe Hashem Sent Us?”
I saw both Ester and Donia last night. I always get them confused because they look so much alike and they dress alike. I believe I saw Donia first. She stood there- looking at me.
“Kat! Come!” She said, waving me over. I walked over to her. “Well, it’s good you’re here- now we must talk! Shh! We can’t speak here- close your eyes!” She said. I shut my eyes and she told me to open them. We were in some Jewish cemetery. “Where are we?” I asked. Ester appeared.
“Donia! Good! Kat! It is good to see you again!” Ester said. I knew I was with Donia. “What am I doing here?” I asked. “We couldn’t speak where we were,” Donia said. “What was wrong?” I asked. “They’ll hear us, so we had to move,” Donia said. “Who, are we ok?” I asked. They could sense my worry.
“Do not worry, we are safe now,” Donia said. Ester looked at me.
“So you talked to the good doctor?” She asked. I looked at them and I had to think about it for a minute. Then, it hit me. “Oh, yes, my therapist?” I asked. “I think he’s a good doctor, He doesn’t see you as strange- he believes you- he says we’re your guardian angels. Do you believe?” Donia asked.
“Believe?” I asked.
“In guardian angels,” Said a familiar voice. It was Felicitas.
“I-I do very much believe,” I replied.
“We’re not fairies or fairy godmothers,” Felicitas said. “I didn’t think you were any of those things,” I said. Donia and Ester started laughing. “So, do you believe that- I mean — do you really believe that we were sent by God or do you think we’re made up?” Felicitas asked.
I looked at Felicitas- I thought she looked so much like Otto. She read my thoughts and said, “Answer the question, don’t get side tracked.” I shook my head. “I do believe that you- I don’t think you’re made up- but I’m not-” I tried to get my answer out.
“Do you believe that God sent us or Are you not that religious?” Ester asked.
“I do- somehow he was trying to get through to me,” I said. Felicitas looked at me. “Why was that so hard to get out? Are you still wondering where you fit?” She asked. I stood there silently and I couldn’t look at them.
“How can you call yourself a Jew and not believe in God?” Donia asked.
“I do believe in God- it’s just something I struggle in,” I replied.
“Do you believe that Hashem is using us to save you?” Felicitas asked.
“Well nothing else worked!” Ester interjected. I looked at these women.
“What else did he try?- I mean were you the last resort?” I asked. Ester held out her hand and made a “come here” gesture. Like I was under her control, I came over to her. I stood there before her. She looked at me and said, “Hashem knew you’d listen to us, and we’re here to help you- and it’s not just us he sent- it’s also your friends like Durbin and Gloria Jean who are here to guide you- believe us when we say, you’re not alone- we see you- we hear you- don’t be afraid of us.” Ester ran her fingers through my hair. Her fingers felt cold.
“You’re in there somewhere- I know it,” Ester said, still running her fingers through my hair. Donia walked over to us and for a split second, I saw how they both looked dead. It made me shudder. “Don’t be afraid of our reality,” Donia said. I tried not to think about it, but I said, “You’re all dead, why would I be afraid of that reality?” Felicitas had gone away, so it was just Ester, Donia and I. “Yes we are dead, but that means we can make sure you don’t end up how we are,” Donia said. I took a step back.
“You were murdered!” I said. The girls looked at each other. “Yes, and we’re trying to stop you from murdering yourself. You cannot do that to yourself- our parents tried, but they were killed anyways,” Donia said.
“Are you going to show me that?” I asked. They looked at each other.
“Oh God no! Too traumatic! But we do know that what the good doctor said was true- you’re always evolving . You’re not the same girl you were last year. You’re trying to stop it- but please believe me- you have the power to make sure you never got back there- I know you won’t- but what was it that Christian said?” Ester said. I had to think back, because I had not seen Christian in a while.
She knew and she said, “You fear the worst and it hasn’t happened yet.” I recalled that. “Now we need to figure out how to keep you from going back to that place- what makes you think so darkly?” Donia asked.
“She’s- she’s depressed, aren’t you?” Ester replied.
“ I — I don’t know. I get very sad sometimes and I just think of death,” I replied.
Ester took my hand and led me to a stone bench, where they sat me down. One of them sat on one side, and the other on the other side of me. “Why do you talk about dying? Do you want to die?” Ester asked me.
“Sometimes yeah- I do,” I replied. The sisters looked at each other.
“No, you don’t- your mind is cruel and it says things that aren’t true. Trust me- your mind is wild- so many thoughts racing- and it makes me dizzy just thinking about it,” Donia said. Donia started stroking my hair. “I know you don’t believe us, but when you die, you want it to be on good terms. You cannot play God- it doesn’t work like that,” Donia said. I just breathed heavily. Ester placed her left hand on my back and my breathing became slower. “Shhh, just try to breathe- you’re worrying too much- try not to think about it,” Ester said. Donia looked over at her sister.
“Myśląc o tym, co? (Thinking about what?)” Donia asked.
“You know I can’t understand you,” I said.
“Sorry, anyways, don’t think about ending it- your life- you’ll regret it,” Ester said. Donia nodded. “You really don’t want to be a ghost- you’ll wander everywhere- you’ll never rest- you’ll always cry- you won’t sleep soundly,” Donia said.
“Is that what happened to you?” I asked. “Somewhat yes- we are ghosts because we were killed- that’s a different story- you — you have the power to continue living. As Anne has said- your pain doesn’t go away- it just transfers somewhere else,” Ester replied.
“So I’ve been told,” I replied.
“It does you know- we wouldn’t lie to you- except your mind would,” Donia said. We sat there on the bench for a little while.
“My, my, your thoughts are racing wild today,” Ester said.
“Why are you doing that?” I asked.
“Doing what?” Ester asked.
“Reading or looking at my thoughts,” I said.
“I’m dead, your thoughts are pretty loud! I can do anything- I can even hypnotize you- if I want,” Ester replied. I looked at her in surprise. “Don’t- but you can do that?” I asked. She looked at me like “Yeah! Duh!” She replied, “I’m dead, I can do whatever I want.” Donia looked at Ester and said: “Nic jej nie rób, nie chcesz skrzywdzić jej ojca! (Don’t do anything to her- you don’t want to damage her further!)” Ester shrugged her shoulders. I heard them both sigh. We sat in silence- but only for a moment.
“Don’t worry- the world will get better, but things will get bad before it gets better,” Donia said.
“What will happen to me?” I asked.
“Well, you’ll live- and hopefully, you’ll get better! A lot of people depend on you, I know we do!” Donia said.
“For What?” I asked.
“Well, you keep us alive dear Kat- I know you do for others as well,” Donia said. Ester looked at her watch and pointed to the time.
“We must leave you dear Kat, but we will see you sometime! Don’t give up!” Ester said, as she touched my forehead and I fell asleep.
