“Do You Have Anyone You Can Call?”

When I’m in a crisis, or feeling like I want to leave this hellscape we call- Earth- I get the question, “Do you have anyone you can call?”

Simple answer: No.

I’ll call whoever is in my “Safety plan”- and I don’t get a response.

I tell doctor’s or therapist that I reach out, and yet, no one answers. But, if anyone needs to be taken care of, I’m the first one to do it.

I’m struggling again, with the mental health.

It’s August: The beginning of the downslope for my physcial and mental health.

I am told that I am worthless and I’m nothing.

“You can’t even handle a part time job,” Says my husband. I am on disability and have a very difficult time dealing with things, including a job.

My job, as of right now, is vioalting ADA, by denying my service dog, I have been removed to Remote work, which I know a ton of people would love, but I hate it. I am being set up to fail and I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it.

Autism really sucks, especially when you feel like there’s no one there for you.

“We love you!” So people say.

Fuck that.

If you loved me like you say you do- you would call me, check in on me, or even fucking include me.

I see posts about me online, that aren’t nice, saying I’m “erratic,” or “too depressed.”

I don’t have anyone, not that I really can confide in.

My hands shake, my voice croaks, I want to scream at the world, and scream until I can’t anymore.

My emotions are a lot, and I just want people to see what’s it’s like on my inside.

The people who I knew I could count on, are no longer alive.

The people who I ask or reach out to- I don’t hear anything at all, or I get the whole “Do you have anyone you can call?” Why the fuck do you think I’m trying to call you?

I guess you kinda just showed me that I really am .. worthless? Alone?

I have felt that way since I was 17.

When my grandparents died, I was on my own.

My parents stopped being parents, and I had lost sight of any dignity I might have kept. That magic that my grandpa talked about, vanished. It was gone. All the love that I thought I had.. was now slowing fading away.

I am a loving person, and I’m always there for people, and yet, hardly anyone is there for me- living people that is.

I don’t know why the hell I’m still here. I’ve tried to die many, many times, and I’m still trying to figure out why the hell I am still here?

What purpose do I have? I really don’t have one?

I’m told that my dreams are not attainable.

“You’ll never be a best selling author!”

“You’re not a great writer!”

“No, you’re never going to be famous!”

Cool. When I was younger, I wanted to be an actress, but that opportunity was taken from me- when I was 13, when I was offered a role in a film, but my mother said “No.”

There went my acting dream. Then, I was put on different medicine, that made my memory fucked, so I can’t recall lines.

The issue with me, is that I try to reach out to people when I’m not feeling well, but I don’t get any immediate response. I get the- “I just saw this!” or “I’m sorry, is there anyone you can call” OR MY FAVORITE (Sarcasm): “I’m really busy right now!”

As my late grandpa used to say, “There’s no one that busy, booked or blessed to pick up the damn phone. You’re just not a priority.”

I am not anyone priority, and that’s ok, cause I’ve known that since I was 17.

Though I’m married, my husband goes to work, and then on his days off, I’m usually on my own anyways (he’s in the office, playing computer games).

So what now?

What do I do?

I just wish people were there for me, like I am there for them.