“Don’t Forget Who You Are” — A Lesson From Linda Darnell
Sometimes, when I sleep, the “dead” come to visit.
If you had followed me long enough, you would have known that I had seen miss Darnell before- Read here : (https://medium.com/@ayoungauthorsnotebook/stay-away-from-people-who-make-you-think-youre-difficult-to-love-33c42d2a2f48)
It’s been a while since she’s come to visit, but I think her visit was different this time. I think she’s known what a “shit show” this year has been for me, and I’ve really had to take a step back and shelf a novel that I thought would be good, but now, thinking about it, I need to be in a better place before really doing that novel, so, as an author does, I can come up with a new one and I think I might like this new novel better, since it’s all me, and I don’t have to be “trauma” dumping or being depressed as I write it.
Linda’s visit came at a time where I have been so depressed and so sick- I’ve been sick since November of 2023. I met her in a park, and I was already sitting on the bench. She came up to me.
To me, I think her visit was vital, and I think she knew that too. She looked like she did in the 1940’s, beautiful, and stunning.
“Hello Katie, it’s been a while, I thought you’d be better, but we’re back where we started!” She said.
I looked at her and I nodded.
“I know you feel like this year has been a bust for you, but believe me, I know you’ve made decisions that may not have always been what’s best,” She said.
I know that to me, it has been. My counterparts on the other hand, don’t think it’s been bad at all.
Well, need I remind you…
- I started fainting and blacking out at work- which now have me working at home.
- I have not heard about anything I’ve mailed (if you know, you know- if not, I’ll explain in another post!)
- My lungs have signs that are concering.
- Seizures
- Depression
- More panic attacks
- Infections everywhere (no Co-Vid thank god!)
The list goes on…
Linda looked at me, and tried to light a cigarette, but she knew with my lungs, she had better not.
“I think that most people see things that you don’t,” She said. Ah, yeah, I can see her, and they can’t.
She said, “Ok, that’s not what I meant. I mean, that you’re trying to see the worst when really, things aren’t as bad as they seem.”
I didn’t look at her.
She sighs.
“I know you’ve got a lot going on, and I know that I’m the last person you probably wanna see,” She said. I tried not to cry.
“It’s ok, I know you want to be accepted and appreciated and I hate to say it- but sometimes you’re right, they will start appreciate you more, when are you gone.”
I looked at her.
“Is that what happened to you?”
“No. I got lost,” She said. I knew what she meant. She is down in the dirt and she was forgotten about.
“You have people like me who love you,” I said.
“Yes, and that’s a good thing, but not everyone remembers. You think when you’re gone, that everyone will move on. Sometimes, depending on the person, that’s not always the case,” She said.
“I know when I’m gone, they will forget,” I said.
She moved closer to me.
“No. Not in that sense. Not with you,” She said. I was still looking at her.
“Sometimes we forget who we are, and I know you have. You’re Kate. A girl, who loves and who treasures those who aren’t remembered all the time. Trust, I know, I hear Bunny {Bonita Granville} talking about it. She knows you have such good intentions and all you want to do, is to be loved, and known, and just feel alive,” Linda said.
“I’ve never felt alive,” I said.
She nodded.
“Yeah, I know how that goes,” She said.
“I know you feel like no one really knows your pain, but I know we do,” She said.
I nodded.
“It’s ok, it’s hard sometimes to be the person that you wanna be, and knowing your limitations and everyone’s expectations of you,” She said.
“Why can’t I ever really feel like I’ve achieved anything? I just feel like- a little bit like I failed. I see a lot of people living out their dreams and yet, here I am, stuck in a damn boring ole’ job and not really living my dream,” I said.
“What is your dream?” She said.
I looked at her. “I think you know.”
“Well, fame doesn’t always happen overnight, you have to grow your brand or your name,” She said.
“I know. I just feel like I don’t mean anything to anyone and it shows,” I said.
“Well, I guess I know what you mean- you think that if you die, you’ll mean more? That’s kinda weird thinking?”
I nodded.
“That’s not how things work sometimes,” She said. I knew that.
I’ve always known that.
“Sometimes- the worth that we think we deserve, is not always the worth we get,” She said.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“MEANING.. that sometimes, the LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE.. is NOT ALWAYS THE LOVE WE GET..” She said.
I told I have never felt comfortable being alive.
“Yeah, you and me both,” She said.
“You?” I asked.
“Well, when you’re seen as a ‘cash cow’- you’re not exactly.. well I think you know what I mean?”
I did know.
“I’m sorry, sometimes, I can’t see the sunshine,” I said .
She nodded and took her hand in my mine.
“Sometimes the love we think we deserve, is not always the love we get.”
I asked her what she meant.
“Sometimes, we think we deserve the world, but then we realize that not everyone is going to give us that. With that being said, sometimes, we have to understand, that our own worst enemy is ourselves.”
I’ve been told this, by living and dead people.
I know that “autism” wasn’t exactly given a name in her day, but she understood me.
“Look, I know you feel like you’re the worst woman in the world, but you’re not, you just want a place in society. Like everyone does,” She added.
She held my hand and she said something I haven’t forgotten:
“Don’t forget who you are. What I mean, is that sometimes when we try to please people and we want people to like us, we lose ourselves in the process.”
That made sense, because when I was trying to make friends and keep them, I always seem to “change” myself for them.
“Masking” — is what I usually did.
“Don’t lose sight of who you are,” She said.
“What if I do?” I asked.
“Don’t worry, you’ll find yourself over and over again, it’s not a race! In reality, everyone loses themselves!”
She held my hand and then she hugged me and she said good-bye.
