“Don’t Let the Past Ruin Your Future”
Sometimes, when you have the “Dead” visit you, they are very insightful, especially the women.
First, it was Hattie, and now- it was Bessie Love!
Bessie Love, for those of you who aren’t familiar with her name, she began her career in silent films and did one of the first musicals.
Bessie died on 1986, several years before I was born.
The thing about Bessie, is that she looked, as I saw her, with her longer hair, as she did in the 1920’s.
She spoke, with that little southern accent. She was from Texas, like I am .
She met me, on her turf. She picked a little farm, filled with animals, something that I knew she liked well.
“Hello! We finally get to meet!” She said, as she met me. I knew she was a beauty, but damn, I didn’t expect her to be so small, she was almost as tall as me! (I’m 4'10 for context, she stood 5'0).
She came up to me and she put her arms aroudn me, for a hug.
Her hug was magical, and she felt soothing.
“I know you think that your past has to define who you are now,” She said, cutting to the chase.
I didn’t really say anything, but there were tears in my eyes.
“I don’t want to see anyone in pain like you,” She said.
She let go of me, but she didn’t move from me.
“Look, I know you feel like you’re the worst person in the world and sometimes, our mind can make us feel worse, than we actually feel,” She said.
I am trying so hard not to cry, but I know I will be at some point.
“Sometimes, the past- it hurts. We’ve done things, said things, and even hurt others,” She said.
I knew that I had felt some guilt of things I had said or done when I was younger.
Bessie motioned for me to come with her as we walked among the farm.
“Sometimes, the things we do, have weight, but that doesn’t mean that it always have to be heavy,” She said.
I knew that I had some guilt about a break up and the way I handled some situations.
“I know you think you’re the worst person in the world, but you’re not. You’re trying to be best person you can be,” She said.
She knew I was feeling a little low.
“Look, would you have stayed in a relationship, knowing that you’d be unhappy, and things would have ended anyways?” She asked. I knew who and what she was referring to.
“No, I wouldn’t have,” I replied.
She nodded.
“So, you made that call for yourself, and now, he’s upset, because he couldn’t own you,” She said. I knew what she meant.
She walked away from me a little bit and told me to “come along!”
“Sometimes, we have words inside us that we wish to say to others, to express our feelings. Sometimes these words are not great and they will hurt others, and I know you have so much to say, but you do not know how to say them, because you are scared on how it might affect the ones you say it to,” She said.
I had a lot to say:
You should say “Thank you” for that birthday package I sent, cause I spent so much time and effort trying to make your day special!
You only want me when you need something!
You don’t understand how I feel?
You don’t get to be a fucking asshole to me and then say “I love you.”
Fuck off!
Why can’t you respond? My god, it’s been months!
Did I do something wrong? Why doesn’t anyone say anything to me?
Did you not like what I sent? You can tell me! JUST COMMUNICATE!
I wish I could say these things to the people I want to say them to, but I can’t and Bessie knew this.
“It’s ok, you’re a good person, and your heart is very soft, and it’s broken, by held together by soft tape that holds the pain in,” She says.
I knew she was right, because I couldn’t bear the weight of my tears any longer.
She ran over to me and hugged me and said, “Sometimes the people who have the biggest heart, also suffer the most,” Bessie said, while hugging me.
I suffer. I know I do. I try my best to make people happy, even if that means, changing myself for others.
“I know your intentions are good and you didn’t want to hurt anyone, ever,” She said. Her hug was very warm and comforting.
“You will never understand people’s thoughts, or reactions, but I promise you- it’ll all turn out ok,” She said, as she let go. I stopped crying.
“Crying is a good thing, it reminds us that we are breathing!” She added.
I looked at her.
“It’s ok, letting it out helps, and believe me, the more you cry, the better sometimes you feel,” She said.
She then placed her hand on my chest.
“I feel that!” She said.
I didn’t say anything.
“I feel your heart! It’s beating!”
“I wish it wasn’t,” I whispered.
“You don’t really want it to stop. You might think you do, but in reality, you wouldn’t,” Bessie said.
“How do I know what I could really do to make this world better or myself better?”
“Well, for one thing, you’ve got a ton of stories to tell,” She said.
“I’ve never been anyone’s favorite, and I’m not anyone’s first choice, unless I’m a last resort,” I said.
Bessie tried to gather her thoughts. She sighed.
“That’s because- you’re afraid that if you overlove someone, they will leave, and sometimes that does happen,” She said.
She added:
“Kate, No one is EVER TOO BUSY to pick up a phone or write a letter. They don’t make you a priority, that’s it.”
Bessie then walked away from me and faded.
