Finding Your Place : An Autistic’s View of “Belonging”

I hate myself. I have since I was 11. I know, kids shouldn’t be hating themselves, but here we are.

If you were to ask my brother, about my upbrining, he would say this,

“When she was really little, she had a lot of energy, and she was happy to be around, and as she got older, she reverted and became a loner”.

I became a loner when people started viewing me as a “freak” or as a “disease.” I was never included in people’s parties, and if I was, it was “forced”- let me explain.

I was never invited to things, and my mom, who knew the other moms, would “force” an invite, so I would feel included. The Result? The kids would avoid me like I was the plague and when I came home, I would just go to my room and turn on my music and listen and hold my stuffed animals for hours. I longed for friends. Friends, that would like me for me, and not for what I could do for them.

In 2014, I was diagnosed with Autism. My life was starting to make sense, but at the same time, I felt awful about it, because it just confirmed what I already knew: A freak who can’t seem to fit into society.

I always hated school. School was hell. I hated going. I would rather be at home and do what I wanted. But, when I was at school, I was always looked at as a disease, no one wanted to touch. I wasn’t gross, I wasn’t mean and I for sure wasn’t a bully, in fact, I was the one being bullied, and the one who just wanted to fit in. I was never part of any “group”- I was always on my own, sitting alone at lunch and trying to understand what was wrong with me?

I wrote when I was 15, “I always wondered what could have been if I could’ve died earlier. People wouldn’t miss me, rather yet, say what a burden I was, how much I tried to fit in and how much of a disease I am. Is it my mind? No, it’s the reality I am forced to face.”

Sadly, I feel like nothing’s changed. I hate it when people say, “Oh my god Kate! You have everything! Stop complaining!”

This is why I don’t tell people how I’m really feeling, I suffer in silence. I cry so much, that I feel like I’m a cry baby.

Doctor’s can’t seem to figure out what the hell is actually wrong with me? ADHD? Bi-Polar? Mood Disorder? What is really wrong with me? I could feel my brain actually feel “sick”- I don’t feel good.

So many different pills, that are slowly killing my insides, and I guess when I do die, they’ll see the damage of those pills.

I’m trying to survive as much as I can. Have you ever walked into a room and wonder if people actually like you? Or they’re just looking at you thinking, “Ugh, there’s Kate!”

That’s how I feel. I know this is going to come across weird, but I wish people were just as excited to see me as I am to see them.

I have never felt like I truly belonged anywhere. My brain is split between Old Hollywood and the Holocaust, I know, you can say it — “YOU’RE WEIRD!” I thought I would fit right in with the Old Hollywood crowd, but a lot of the people I have met, are just “clicky” and they cut me out of their said group or I “don’t know what I’m talking about”.

I thought I would fit right in with the Holocaust researchers, but apparently, my studies are “too niche” or they seem “odd”- “Why would you want to study the Teens/Children?- Do you have some sick attraction to them?” NO. I don’t. Those kids scream at me the loudest and I want to make sure they are accounted for. Sorry, if I’m not studying the same things as you.

I am not even sure where I belong in terms of beliefs in God. I am Jewish, and yet, so many people want me to do the Jesus thing. I honestly have felt so distant, since I have viewed God as someone who has taken so many people from me or “punnishes” me for just existing. I hate existing. I really do. I hate the way I am, I hate the way I feel, and I hate the way my skin feels or I hate the way when I ask for help, I am usually dissmissed.

I just want to be accepted amongst people, for just being me. Masking is becoming exhausting and I’m tired of “changing” for everyone. I am tired of trying to always help others, and yet, I’m screaming, and I just get the “Ok” -or the “BE HAPPY”

If I could- I would be.

I saw this and it applies to me in everyway. Yes, I grew up extremely lonely and at times, I still feel that way.

It really sucks, but I guess being autistic, can be isolating and lonely.