“I Feel Like a Drug Addict”
I feel like a wreck. But, I guess that’s what happens when you’re always worried about money and if you ever will have enough? I have to make my money stretch every week and I’m getting tired of making it that way. SSI money is not enough and they try to screw you over with everything. But, I am struggling with my past and with my future. In one entry I wrote:
[ PILLS
Pills to wake up.
Pills to lose weight.
Pills for my sanity.
Pills for my health.
I hate them. I feel like a drug addict, It’s almost like I am .
Who cares anyway? I feel like Judy Garland, but without the fame.
There are times I just don’t want to take anything. I don’t want to take any pills, and let’s see how far I’ll go. Who cares anyways?
I’m good at trying to keep them hidden, the pills. I feel like I’m going to die from them eventually? Will I? God will only know that answer .
I have been medicated all my life, and I’m getting exhausted of it. I’m tired of what it’ll do to me. I’m tired of how it makes me feel. It makes me feel like shit. Sometimes, I have to lie about my health, not like I’m mental or not, but the fact that I try to hide the fact that I’m slowly dying. You tell people you’re fine, when in reality you’re not. You tell people the good lies, so they’ll leave you alone and then you can deal with it on your own. I don’t want to go back to the hospital, the mental kind. All they do, is give you more pills. They think it’ll shut you up for the moment, when in reality, it’ll make it worse. I don’t want that again. It hurt me. It made me feel worse. They don’t know what’s wrong with me, no one ever will.
There are days where I’m better, but then something slips up and I just fall again. But, it’s hard to get back up when a dragon’s foot is holding you down, a big one (Yeah, duh Kate, Dragon’s can be big). But not all dragons can be scary, but the one that is holding me, is. My therapist says I have to face my demons. I know I do, I face them every day. The one who is my way, is Me. Sometimes, what I’ve learned about life, is that most of the time, it doesn’t go your way, and people say, it’s God’s plan. He has a better future for you. What is that plan? Why is it so hard? Why am I like this? I don’t know? It seems like everyone is trying to ‘cure’ me. I don’t think I want that. My mother says, If I just eat better and not eat sugar or anything like that, I’ll be “cured” of my autism or my anxiety or depression. That’s not how I work. I’m sorry. I’ve tried that, and I just get moody and angry. I am already like that. I get frustrated with my inability to be understood. My mother says I have too much anxiety. Is she right? Who knows? I’m just the Jewish woman who can’t ever see what good she does in other people’s lives? They say they love me, but do they really? Am I really really their friend? “We’d be so sad if anything were to happen to you!” But then, they cut me out, when I need help and I need it, bad. I’m exhausted with always thinking this is my fault. My mother put that blame on me. Everything is my fault. I let these things happen to me. Why? I don’t know, it’s just hard, to deal with? I get over anxious, nervous and above all, how do people think of me? I know my self worth is tied in what strangers think of me, and I know to Helene Berr, thinks it’s gross. I get upset if people don’t want me. But I’m also the person who wants to think out loud, have opinions and have a voice. Do I use it? Yes, and people criticize me for it. There’s always a double standard for me. It really shows sometimes. People can do research and share the most the most intimate things about people, particularly Movie stars, but when I do it, I don’t know what I’m talking about, or I shouldn’t share it. Goodness, where is the standard? Here’s the thing, it’s been happening all my life. People do things and then when I try to do it, I’m not able to do the same thing, why? Because it’s not me to do it. I’m never allowed to do things that I would like to do, because there’s that standard. For example, I would love to tell people about how some people have Fucked me over and how they’re really bad people, but of course, it’ll get turned on me, and I’ll be the bad guy, it always happens that way, never am I in the right. I’m always wrong, it always is that way. Kate, you’re always wrong. You’re wrong to marry, wrong to get a good job, wrong to be disabled, wrong to say those things about Durbin, wrong to say anything about Gloria Jean, or just wrong in general. It’s never, “God Kate, you’re right!” I’m never listened to. Does anyone even hear me? Do they? They just say, we don’t trust you, and fine, I don’t care if you do. It’s hard enough to be alive, and I’m struggling to be alive. I know these dead people are trying to save me, but sometimes, it doesn’t help. Sometimes I wish I started drinking, but I don’t want end up an alcoholic. But there are just times I wish I could take all this pain away. But the thing is, if you die, on your own, the pain doesn’t go away, it transfers to someone else, and your pain follows you. My broken head, and heart are all that’s left. Things I want, are always out of reach, Or I can’t have it. I can’t have a service dog, when all the doctors are telling me I need one. Ok, how do I afford one? When they’re like 14,000 dollars. I don’t make that much. I can’t have proper care, because I’m on disability and I get doctors who give me medicine that don’t help, but make me feel worse, and they keep giving it to me. They never want to try anything else. My body can only take so much of this. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of having to scream into the void. I’m screaming for air. My autism, what am I going to do? It’s just a burden, and everyone knows. People say, “That’s not what defines you.” THEN WHAT DOES? BEING JEWISH? BEING A JEWISH WOMAN WHO HARDLY TALKS TO GOD?
What is wrong with me? Please, someone for God Sake HELP. I know, I want a quick fix, but I have to work on myself. I push people away and I’m exhausted not doing what everyone else wants. Not doing what I should be doing, not how I’m going to recover. People say, “You’re fine! You’re doing great!” I don’t feel that way. I feel stuck and I feel sick, and not in the good kind of way.
I hate that I have to feel this way, all the time. I just want to be able to feel good, but I can’t. I’m always told what a horrible person I am, or reminded of it. My mother doesn’t say nice things, only except when it to her benefit. I want to scream and cry, but I can’t, because I’ll be overreacting. I can never express myself the way I want. I never could, because I would be seen as embarrassing. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of fighting and defending myself.
What is even love anyways? They just leave you. They say they won’t, but they end up doing it. If there’s a clique, I’ll never be in it. I’m never accepted by them. If I am, it’s only for a little while. I’m too hard to handle, too hard to deal with, too dramatic. I’m not allowed to cry, not to have meltdowns, not to scream at people, because I’ll be the one who is the bad person. Everything always gets turned on me. People do. They love to turn on me. I’ll be there for them and then, they say things about me, that aren’t even true. Like? What? How do I deserve this?
I need to get better, first things first, get rid of the pills! ]
It appeared to me that sometimes I feel like I am getting screwed over by doctor’s or just medicine in general. But I’m trying.
