“I Feel So Lost”
It took me a lot to not hurt myself the other night. I was feeling so upset and I didn’t feel like I deserved to live any longer. I know, this is what happens when you’re autistic and you are just uncomfortable with yourself, or how people make you feel. It really sucked.
But, sadly, all my life, people have made me feel so disgusted with myself and last year was no different. I have a difficult time of letting things go or even forgiving myself for things I’ve done.
My husband called me when he was on his lunch and he told me he didn’t want me doing anything to myself. I sent “drunk” text messages (I wasn’t really drunk, but I was crying so hard that I sent people apology texts about how I was sorry I was a burden) that I had no business sending and I was trying to not look for the Advil (For context, I took a half a bottle of Advil the last time I wanted to end it all) and my husband said ,
“Do I have to lock up all the medications?” I told him I had learned from that experience and I wasn’t about to do it again. When I finally went to sleep at 1:30 AM, I heard my name being called, this time by a woman I hadn’t seen in almost a few months. I woke up on what looked like a movie set.
“It’s about time I see you! I see you’re giving in to your guilt,” The woman said. My vision became more clear as I saw her walk near me. It was Deanna Durbin.
Deanna looked like she did in the 1940’s, long wavy-curly hair that was brown, and her blue eyes. She was wearing a white blouse and a blue skirt.
I got up from a couch that I was apparently on.
“Well, you’re mind is screaming, what about?” Deanna asked. I closed my eyes and I said, “It’s stupid, don’t worry about it.” Deanna scoffed.
“Oh my god, please! Don’t worry about it??? YOU ARE SENDING MESSAGES TO PEOPLE YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS SENDING!” Deanna said. I got up from the couch. She knew that if she was going to talk to me, she had to do it rationally.
“Look, I know why you’re upset, and I get it. I know you were fucked over and I have some news for you: They were never your friends. What they were your “friends” for only a year? Then they tossed you over the side like you were dead fish?” Deanna said. I looked at her.
“God, I’m sorry Deanna, I said those things about you,” I said. Deanna puffed it off.
“Please, you were only telling them what Gloria told you and I showed you all of it anyways, so why wouldn’t you say anything? It was almost too much for Gloria Jean to bare too,” Deanna said. I tried not to say anything, but walked near her.
“Look, what did those girls have going for them that was so great? Nothing! They saw how you were trying to be happy and trying to navigate your new life and they got jealous, also they listened to nay-sayers about you, and they believed them. What good do they do? Nothing! They are nothing Kate. You have a wonderful husband, and you know? You know parts of my family, you KNOW ME. THEY DON’T. They don’t have your kindness, they don’t have your drive, they don’t have your passion, your HEART KATE. YOUR HEART, is BREAKING. YOU ARE BREAKING,” Deanna said. I knew she was right.
“Look, I know what you’re going through. When I was in my prime, I had people fuck me over all the time, and what could do about it? Like Otto {Wolf} said, Don’t give them ammunition to hurt you! You don’t want to regret the things you say, cause it could come back and bite you in the ass,” Deanna said. I knew Otto Wolf had told me not to stoop their level.
“Then, how do I feel comfortable around me, without me thinking that I am not even really liked? What am I going to do about that? Deanna, I am so lost and I don’t know I am even surviving anymore? I am a burden to all who know me!” I said, I was almost in tears by this point.
Deanna looked at me.
“Davy doesn’t think so, neither does Cassidy,” Deanna said, softly. I had just gotten off the phone with Davy before and he was telling me to hold on, until he gets back so he could hug me.
“He cares about you deeply and so does your husband. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t be calling you, or he would have already divorced you,” Deanna said. Deanna then came over and she hugged me.
“Sometimes, people are just nasty, and there’s nothing we can do about it,” Deanna said, as she hugged me while I cried.
“I can’t be a burden anymore!” I cried.
“Kate, let me tell you something. Gloria Jean and I were watching those girls and the way that they were trying to cut you out. They did that deliberately. They were trying to make you not part of their exclusive club, and you know what? Gloria Jean kept telling me we had to help you and when you tried to- well, you know, that’s when we stepped in. It’s painful for us to watch you torture yourself over these things that those NOBODIES said to you over a year ago, and to be honest, it’s harder on you, cause you have empathy and you have a good heart. Did they know that you almost took your life that night? Did they realize that? Did they know? No, they didn’t. They just hung up and they lived their miserable little lives. But you- you go the damage. You were the one who was torn and Gloria and I knew we had to save you. Well, I’m saving you now. You know, it’s harder on us to see you go through this, then you actually going through it. I wish that Gloria Jean and I could do something drastic, but I know that it wouldn’t be good,” Deanna said. I listened, while I was still hugging her.
“I just want to tell them how I felt, but Otto said that it wouldn’t do any good,” I said.
“NO! Don’t! They won’t listen! Also, they’re going to turn it back on to you! That would be more detrimental to you, more than you know!” Deanna said.
“I wish I could tell them!” I said.
“You already did, in your letter to Gloria Jean, if you recall?” Deanna said. I remembered.
“You’ve said your peace, but sometimes, we have to live with their words, but to see their true colors, is amazing. Sometimes, we don’t see their true colors, until it’s too late,” Deanna said. I told her I am naïve and I see the good in everyone.
“Sometimes, being too kind gets you burned, and you’ve been burned so many times,” Deanna said. I looked at her. She knew what she was talking about.
“You were good to get off of that site, whatever it was called. I think it is a cesspool or horrible people. People who talk about others, in a bad way. They would have made you feel awful,” Deanna said. I nodded.
“I still get sick, looking at it, even when I look at it, sometimes,” I said.
“You should let that part of your life, die, I know I let a lot of my past die, and I never really looked back,” She said.
“Why would Gloria Jean tell me all those things about you?” I asked.
“Because, she trusted you and to be honest, she couldn’t hold secret in for much longer,” Deanna said.
“Weren’t you mad at her?” I asked. She shook her head and smiled.
“No, I couldn’t be, she knew the person she was giving this information to was a good person,” Deanna said.
“They used it against you, didn’t they?” Deanna asked.
“Well, they didn’t like what I was saying, apparently? "I said.
“No, they were just jealous because you knew Gloria Jean so well, and plus, you know Kitty, but I know they are just miserable,” Deanna said.
“But, maybe they might know some people like you?” I asked.
“Puff! They know maybe one of their children, but you definitely helped with that! But remember Kate, it’s ok to lose people. Not everyone has to be in your life. Why, after I left Hollywood, there were so many people that I had cut out of my life, and I didn’t look back. Sometimes, it’s good to see who really is there for you. Those girls were not, and so were a lot of other people too, but really, you should be worried about the people who do love you, and those out weight the ones that don’t,” Deanna said.
All this time, she had her arms around me.
“It’s amazing Kate, how people’s words affect you so greatly,” She said, as I let go of her.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Don’t be, that means you’re human. But, you really shouldn’t care about what others have to say, I know I did and it ate me up tremendously, now I don’t,” She said.
“You’re dead, you don’t need to,” I replied.
“Being dead, is not all that it’s cracked up to be. Your pain, Kate, at least the weight you carry, would be transferred to our world, and trust me, you don’t want that! There are too many actresses, whose pain was just like yours, and it transferred over. Please Kate, before you do anything irrational, please think about the pain that will never go away. I know this, because I have seen people who are still hurting from their decision,” Deanna said.
“Anne and Christian already showed me what it looked like without me, I don’t wanna put anyone through that,” I said .
“GOOD! Then you know, we’re always here to help you, all you have to do is call upon us,” Deanna said.
“They’ve made their choice, now they have to live with it, “ Deanna added.
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“It’s their loss, they are missing out on a great friend, but hey, it’s not everyday that a friend like you comes around,” Deanna said.
I smiled.
“You do so much for people, Kate, and I wish you’d realize how much good you do, instead of hearing all the bad things people say. Because you’re not a monster. You may think that you are, but you aren’t. You’re a good, kind person that really deserves all the happiness in the world. Everyone deserves to be happy, but you definitely do,” Deanna said. I tried smiling at her.
“Nobody is perfect, Kate, neither was I,” Deanna said.
“I’m sorry for all the hell I’ve put you through,” I said.
“It’s ok, we’ve all been there, trust me,” Deanna said.
“I feel like I’m the worst person in the world,” I said.
“That’s because they’ve made you feel that way. Why let these stupid girls make you feel that way? Yes, they might be in a ‘clique’ and you’ve been kicked out of it, but honestly, I can’t imagine how fun it would be now? Really, it was so much fun with you in it,” Deanna said.
I smiled.
Then she left and said:
“Don’t worry, you’ve got so much to look forward to!”
