I Guess I’m That Way?

I read this article on High Functioning Autistic Women and I would like to put in my 2 cents, because, everything in this article seemed to resonate with me.

I used to be a perfectionist

For me, I try to be “perfect” all the time. I try to be “great” all the time and loving all the time. I sometimes feel like I’m holding in all my “issues.”

Exhausted after social events

I am usually exhausted after anything, even just going to work, takes so much out of me.

I try to do so much, but recently, I’ve been feeling so tired and just ..grumpy? I wanna go home and sleep!

Highly emotional

OH MY GOD AM I ! I am so emotional all the time and I sometimes have to cry a lot!

I am always crying about someone — or something. Sometimes the “meltdowns” are endless .

Intense rejection sensitivity

This is a HUGE ONE for me! If I feel like no one likes me or someone tells me that they “don’t like me”- I get so upset and I just begin to isolate.

For an autistic woman, I always feel like there is a double standard for me.

Let me explain:

Susie could do something, and be praised for it- but when I do the same thing, OH GOD NO! KATE CAN’T DO THAT! OR SAY THAT!

Like… do I not get to be treated as everyone else?

It’s almost like I don’t get the same amount of treament. Let me give you another example. I now have a service dog, and I wanted to bring him to my day job, well, again, there’s that “double standard” — and instead of letting me bring my service dog onsite (for context I work at a Museum- in an office) — they gave me these reasons why my service dog could not come, and so they made me work from home. Most people would LOVE working from home, but then again, I am feeling isolated and I hate that, but I guess it’s ok? I can’t complain?

It’s really annoying and I cannot stand it?

I am so exhausted by it?

Feeling inherently different

I’ve always felt this way. I don’t feel like I really belong anywhere, and I still feel that way. I thought I would belong in the Old Hollywood Community, but they just seem to only like the people in their “group”- and really don’t let others in. I thought I belonged in other communities, but sometimes, it’s a repeat, it’s all about a “clique” and nothing else. I’ve always felt excluded and sadly, that’s still an issue. I want to sometimes, be like other people, but I don’t know, I’m never “Good enough” or anything like that, so it’s always- the “normal people” and the non-autistics that seems to get everything, and get to be included, and me, I have to be the one to reach out and ask to be included.

It’s really hard to describe to someone who isn’t autistic. Emma Watson had this quote about being included. She said something along the lines of “Do you know what it’s like not being included and it’s the most annoying thing in the world?

Being a target for bullies

YEP. I’ve been bullied, on and offline. So many fun things have been ruined for me, because of bullies.

Tumblr, I used to love it and I enjoyed my blog and then, stupid girls had to bully me and others and ruin it for me.

Twitter (or X) was ruined for me in 2022, and I finally left in 2023 and never returned and thank god I didn’t. It used to be fun, and now, it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I’m not a bad person and yet, people try to make me out to be a “monster”. I am not, but people have done that all my damn life and they continue to. Yeah, I’ve made a few mistakes but honestly, I don’t understand why people have to make me out to be a “Freak” or a “Monster”. I’m not mean and I think I was only ever mean one time to someone, but they deserved it, in my opinion. I am never mean back to people unless I have finally have had enough of it, and then I push back, but I am usually the one who is bullied, just for being nice. There are always days, where I feel like I wish I weren’t always so giving, kind and loving, and had a big heart, cause then maybe I wouldn’t be so damn hurt all the time, but here we are.

Acting submissive

People seem to think I’m “agreeable”- but really I just do that so I can be included and fit in. I really just wanted to do “what I wanted”- or say “No”- but I have a hard time doing that.

I have a hard time saying no to people who “need” help, and I’ll give you a good example. I don’t know if I’ll call her a friend anymore, but I used to help this girl who was always out of money, who was usually homeless and I had to pretty much pay for everything (apparently, people wouldn’t “help her” — and I figured out why a few weeks ago!) . Up until then, I had helped her and paid for literally EVERYTHING.

Up until a few weeks ago, I was helping in her in away that I could, until I had an emergency with my dog.

She proceeds to go on Facebook and “call me out” for not helping. I was still going to give her the cash, but I was unable to drive her. First off, I had my sister-in law’s car and second, I don’t think she’d be able to fit (she’s pretty big, let me put it that way!). She was “shitting” on me and that’s when I was done. I don’t understand why I was even helping in the first place. I wrote to her and I was like “umm, little confused here?”

She told me she was sorry, and luckily, I am a nice person, but I don’t like being shat on- when I’m trying to help someone.

So — I stopped .

This is how I felt and wanted to give my 2 cents .