“I Know It’s Hard”
Last night, I went to sleep kinda late. I was very upset, my emotions were all shattered. My mind began to go somewhere else.
“Kay-tee! Kay-tee!” I recognized that voice. I woke up on the ground of a park.
“Hi!” Tomas said. Tomas was standing over me. I got up slowly.
“I’m happy you’re here! I have another friend with me today!” Tomas said gleefully.
I looked over and there was Dawid Sierakowiak.
“He said he’d play with us!” Tomas said, taking my hand and leading me over to him. Dawid looked as he did the last time- long sleeve ragged shirt, and his long pants.
“Hello Katzka, it’s good to be reunited,” He said.
“Dawid said he’d play with us! Let’s go! Come on!” Tomas said, taking our hands.
Dawid walked by me.
“You’re angry, mad and upset,” He said.
“Yes, couldn’t you tell?” I replied, sarcastically.
“I saw everything that went down yesterday, and I’m sorry. You don’t need to doubt yourself. Parents sometimes they can’t let go of their little girl,” Dawid said.
I tried not to think about it.
“You’re doing the best you can,” Tomas said.
Tomas looked at me.
“You ok Kay-tee?” He asked. They noticed me getting sad.
Tomas tugged on Dawid’s pants. Dawid nudged Tomas to “go play!”
Tomas ran ahead of us.
“You’re not doing anything- but trying to live your life- I know you’ve already felt bad- just for being alive,” Dawid said.
“I’ve always felt like I could never be myself- or express myself the way I wanted. Everything I do, I’m judged for. I’m judged for my job. I’m judged for my love for the Holocaust Museum. I’m judged for my writing. I’m judged for not seeing people enough- or seeing people too much. I’m judged for what I wear, what I don’t wear, my weight, trying to loose weight- me trying to be myself sexually- trying to see what I like or what I don’t like. I had to be this perfect girl. I couldn’t stand it- now, I’m doing what I can to try to be me and it’s like I can't make anyone happy,” I cried.
I felt Tomas’s arms around me.
“Don’t cry Kay-tee! Please!” Tomas cried, hugging me.
I slowly picked him up and wrapped him in a hug. Tomas held me tightly. He laid his head on my shoulder. It’s funny, though he’s dead, I could feel his heartbeat. He could feel mine.
After we hugged Dawid told him that we’d join him on the playground in a moment. Dawid looked at me.
“You need something from me,” He said.
“If you’re going to kiss me again-” I said, a little agitated.
He chuckled. I didn’t look at him.
He approached me slowly and slowly wrapped me in his arms. I started crying. He held me tightly.
“Sometimes you need to just let it out- it’s ok to cry,” Dawid said. I continued to cry. He slowly turned me around to face him. I buried my face on his chest. He kissed my head. I could feel his arms tightening around me.
“It’ll pass, your breakdown,” He said. I stopped crying.
Tomas stood next to us.
“Is she ok? Are we still going to play?” Tomas asked. I looked at Tomas.
“Of course! We’ll go play!” I said. We walked to the playground. He ran to the swings. I walked behind the swing he was on and began pushing him.
“Wee!” He said.
“I know it’s hard- but trust me- you’ve come a long way- don’t give up now!” Tomas said, still on the swing. Dawid was standing behind me. Tomas stopped swinging.
“Can we lay down and see what the clouds look like?” Tomas asked.
I told him, “Of course!” We all laid down on the grass and looked up at the clouds.
Tomas pointed and told us what he thought they looked like. He soon fell asleep- his head on my chest.
“You told me- how you were judged by who wanted to love? What did you mean?” Dawid asked.
“I — when I was growing up, I could never have a boyfriend. If I did, I was never allowed to do anything with him. If I even touched him, I would be considered a whore or a slut. I could never really explore who I really was,” I said.
Dawid looked at me. “You’re still trying to figure it out,” He said.
“Yeah, sometimes,” I said. Dawid reached for my hand.
“You are worried- about what others think of you,” Dawid said. I didn’t answer.
“Don’t worry about love, it figures itself out- and I know your love is BIG,” He said.
“Yes, I know and sometimes that bites me in the ass,” I said.
“Yes, I know how that feels,” Dawid said.
I looked over at him.
“I have a bone to pick with you,” I said.
“Meaning what?” Dawid asked.
“That kiss you gave me, it didn’t work,” I said. He looked at me in confusion.
“That kiss you gave me. It didn’t work. You said it would help me, but instead it made me feel worse,” I said. He smirked at me- and he said,
“Then maybe you need another one,” Dawid said. I scoffed, “Huh, I bet you wish.” He looked at with his dark eyes. Tomas woke up.
“You’re comfortable,” He said. We all got up from the ground. Dawid told Tomas to close his eyes. Tomas looked skeptical.
“If you’re going to kiss her, I’ve seen my mama and papa kiss before,” Tomas said. I was going to tell him it was much different his parents. I was about to explain it, when Dawid grabbed by the shoulders and kissed me. This time, for a lot longer. Tomas went red. Dawid’s mouth was warm, despite the fact he was cold.
He stopped and he looked at Tomas.
“What?” He asked.
“You kissed Kay-tee! You kissed Kay-tee!” He screamed.
Dawid smiled and winked at Tomas. Tomas grabbed my hand.
“Did it work?” Tomas asked.
“What?” I asked.
“What Dawid gave you- did it work?” Tomas asked.
“It hasn’t kicked in yet,” Dawid said. We walked through the park, with Tomas holding my hand.
Dawid said to Tomas, “It’s time for us to go.” Tomas hugged me tightly.
“You won’t forget us, will you?” He asked.
“No, never,” I said, hugging him.
“Good! Then we’ll see you soon!” Tomas said as he stopped hugging me. He took Dawid’s hand and Tomas waved good-bye.
