“If You Die- They Win”
I am trying not to go back to where I was mentally — last year.
In the early morning of May 5, 2023, I went to bed, so upset and crying. Usually, when this happens, I dream really interesting things- and people usually come to visit.
In this very dream, I saw myself in a forest. I saw Christian (Helmut -Hermann- Hepner) again. He was sitting in a tree.
“So we meet again?” He said. I looked up. “Your mind is racing- you’re scared- of what?” He asked.
“I don’t want to feel like I did before, I’m scared I’m slipping again,” I replied.
“You fear the worst and it hasn’t happened yet,” He said, climbing down .
“How do I stop it?” I asked. He jumped down and he was wearing a a pull over knitted sweater and a checkered shirt.
“Walk with me,” He said. We began walking in the forest.
“So you’re afraid that you’re slipping. What do you think is going to happen?” He asked.
“I’m scared I’ll be bad again, like I’ll want to die,” I said.
“Why do you want to die so much? You know I can read your mind so you should answer,” He said. “The world would be better off without me,” I replied.
“Says who? Says your head?” He asked.
“No, says a lot of people in so many words,” I replied.
“Those people who tried to take your life from you?- That horrid girl who is miserable herself? Those miserable girls who try to make you out to be what you’re not? Those girls that hide behind their screens who judge you with every inch of their being? Those people?” He asked.
“Yeah, I guess,” I replied.
“If you die, they win. If you let the bad take over- guess what?” He said.
“They win?” I answered, unsure.
“YES! It wins! Is that the satisfaction you want to give them?” He asked me.
“I am a burden, they’d be much happier without me,” I said.
He stopped walking.
“Do you really know what it’s like to be dead?” He asked.
“No, I don’t,” I said. He looked at me seriously.
“When you’re dead, you can’t be seen. You can’t talk or touch your loved ones- except in their dreams- Like I am with you- You don’t get to grow old and see the future, you’re stuck in the same place. Your soul is tormented-it’ll scream all the time. Oh! As I can see waht you’re thinking! No! Your pain doesn’t go away- because you’re seeing the loved ones you left behind- their pain. When you’ve been dead for as long as I have- you wish so much- you wish you could hug your loved ones again. You have loved ones Kate- that man at home Loves you! Those girls who worked with you- Love You! Your parents, though difficult at times- would be devastated if they lost you! What? You don’t believe me?” He said- as he noticed my face — about ready to cry. “They’d get over me, and live their lives,” I cried.
“NO! Let me tell you something about that! Do you think that your husband would ‘get over you?’ Do you think my own mother ‘got over me?’ No! Do you think that your parents would ‘get over you?’ Yout mother, she’d die right there- and then you’d have no mother! You would have no Arndt family (my in-laws)- the people who you’ve made a difference to- they would not ‘get over you’. You cannot imagine the pain you’d cause — and it’s irreversible. I know my death was bad- I was murdered and you want to throw your life away and over what? Because your mind says some people who do not have a valid picture of you- feel that you have to end your life in order to make them happy? You have got to be joking me?!” He said.
“If I Leave, they’ll be happy, won’t they?” I cried.
“To the people who love you- no-they’ll look for ways to be revengeful- because your death will be somebodie’s fault- Anne, help me out here!” He said, pointing to a girl who was behind me.
That Anne, was Anne Frank. She said, “That man of yours-you have no idea what he’s capable of!” I turned around and looked at her. “If you die- he’ll start suing- and he’ll go through your phone to see who he has to sue!” Anne said. Anne was wearing a white blouse and a black skirt. She looked normal. “It’s ok to be sad sometimes,” She said. I shook my head. “No, you don’t understand, when I’m sad, I get really sad,” I replied.
“But you want to give up your life- Why? When will you grasp that life is precious?” Anne cried. “She-show her Anne!” Christian said. “Show me- What?” I asked.
“We’re going to show you what it’s like to be dead!” Anne said, as she grabbed my hand and we (me, Anne and Christian) were in a dark space. “When you’re dead, you can’t touch the ones you love,” Anne said. We were shown some screen or vision thing (it’s hard to explain- but I saw people I knew-alive). I saw my husband.
“Oh he just looks so thrilled, happy, doesn’t he?” Anne said. I knew she was being sarcastic. “No he doesn’t Anne- don’t jest!” Christian said. “That’s him, if you die, he’s so upset- but please remind me that you want to die?” Anne said. “Look here!” Christian said. We looked to the left- there was another screen. “Ah, the friends who’d be better off without you -right-Look how they’re upset! Look how they are needing you! Now try to go to them! Go on, try!” Anne said. I couldn’t really touch them. “See?! Now do you believe us?” Anne said. I didn’t like what I was seeing. “You need to appreciate the time you have- take the good with the bad- you’ll get better! I know you will!” Christian said. “You really want to live- I know you do! Live life to the fullest!” Anne said. They both held hands as they vanished.
Of course, I woke up and noticed it was 1:20 am. I almost texted my husband, who was still at work. I thought about what they had said. They really opened my eyes, and to be honest, it’s harder to think about what life would be without me, than with me. I don’t want to put my husband through that kind of pain, and I don’t want to put anyone in that kind of pain. They opened my eyes. This is my wake-up call. They did what Gloria Jean and Deanna Durbin did the year before, save me.
