Is My Mind?

I’ve seen three therapists in the past two days .

One Man, who’ve I’ve been seeing for the past several months, and two women, one virtual and the other in person.

I am autistic and I have needed help for a while and I’ve finally been able to go to therapy. Therapy has been beneficial for me. I have been able to discuss my problems like my need to be included, and other things that come with being autistic.

So.. here we go..

My mind is not been great. To be blunt, I’ve been really sad to the point of crying and meltdowns and everything else that goes with it.

It’s been a rough few days, since the meds I was on, have made me have “seizures”- I guess you could call them, so I have been “free ranging” and to be honest, I hate it. I can literally feel how “Sick” my brain feels. I’ve been on so many meds in the past 20 years, that my brain feels like it needs drugs, like medication, not illegal drugs.

I am trying to figure out what is actually the hell wrong with me? My doctor wants me to do the ADHD testing and I know I must have that? I don’t know? All I know is that I am “Treatment Resistant Depressed” — meaning that any medicine that has been used, seems to work and then my body rejects it and I’m kinda exhausted by meds, but I need them, because me off medicine, is not good, and you might as well plan my funeral, so I still want to try any options I have, which I hope is a lot.

I don’t feel good and I haven’t for a little while. But I feel like the sadness won’t go away. No matter how much I try, no matter how many meds I’ve been on, it’s like it won’t go away. I feel sick, like I don’t feel good. It’s like I have this never ending cold. I’ve had to miss a lot of work, and I hate it, I need to work, but I just don’t feel good. Getting off meds, getting on meds, it’s a never ending cylce. What am I to do?

Now, therapy..

What I hope to accomplish is hopefully better understand myself when it comes to people. I’ve never really felt apart of anyone, or part of any “group”. When I was in school, I wanted to desperately to be part of the “popular girls” group, sadly, never was. They saw me as a disease. I hope to God I’m not. I’m just.. me? I’m nothing special, yet they call me “special needs”. My needs, and wants, are entirely different . What I want, is for people to just want me, and accept me, and just like me, for God sake, I’m a delight, but yet, people think they “can’t handle me.” The tears I’ve cried over the past few months, are too many to count. People who you thought were your friends, turned out to be people who you didn’t think would dump you. If there is something about me, being autistic- that I’ve learned, is that sometimes, I see things so differently and usually, it’s “one sided” and I focus on the “negative”- because as I remember, not too many happy things happened in my life, very few happy things I remember.

Am I ungrateful ? Am I selfish? Or was it just how I recalled it? I don’t know? But what I know, is that going to therapy, is going to be an experience, that I’m sure these therapists haven’t seen before, I am probably so fucked up, that I’ll probably send them to therapy.

The issue that I have with me, is that I feel like there was always a “double standard” for me. Let me give you an example. Someone in the Old Hollywood community, could say something shocking, about anyone, but when I do it, it’s blasphemy ! That’s how it always goes and my god, it’s annoying!

I always feel like no one really cares about me-so why be here? If I were to die tomorrow, I know some people would be sad, but others, I feel like would have the golden opportunity to say what they want about me. As I sit here and contemplate my life, it’s hard to explain the good things.

If you’d ask me to explain, I can’t seem to remember a lot of good things that have happened to me, other than the fact that I am married, and trying to live my life as an adult. But, when I reflect on my childhood, I cannot really recall very many happy things that happened to me. I was bullied, shoved away, and above all, told to shove down my feelings.

Now, it’s so hard to share my feelings, I’m afraid no one will listen. The people who do listen, sometimes, I pity, because they have to hear my heartbreaks and my woes about how no one really does care about me.

As an autistic person, it’s really hard to communicate my feelings, of worth, and my feelings of value. I always see how sometimes people are there for others, and I included, am ALWAYS there for people, but I feel like if I need to be out of a crisis, I’m always ignored or no one really answers my calls or texts. I’m on my own, alone with my feelings, which is never good.

I am trying to get better, believe me, I am. But, with therapy, I feel like I’m so messed up, and I don’t know if these therapists can really help me.

Can they? Can they undo so much damage that I’ve felt in my 31 years of life? Just the damage of being born, or the damage of being alive?

I think I’m doing all I can with going to therapy and that’s all I can do .