“It’s Going To Be Ok”

It’s interesting when you sleep and you get visited by people, whom you’ve never met before, but you have loved all your life.

I have begun reading the new Rock Hudson Biography All the Heaven Allows and I must say it’s very interesting. I also got done watching the companion documentary to it as well. It was very well done and I enjoyed it a great deal.

Sometimes, I guess these people, who visit have something they want to tell me or something they want to help me with. Rock, wanted both .

He knew my anger towards certain people and he knew my anger about states and people being assholes towards his community (the LGBTQ). He knew that I wanted everyone to be treated equally and he must have sensed my empathy, because he showed up. I guess he wanted to meet me on a beach.

I’m not sure why a beach, but we stood there on the shore.

“Hello Kate, I know we need to talk,” He said. I looked at him.

He wore a stripes sleeve shirt and beige pants. He was barefoot. Me, I don’t know what I was doing there? I don’t like beaches, but I let him pick where we were. He must have had a reason why we were on the beach. I looked down at my feet and I was barefoot.

“What are we doing here?” I asked.

“Well, there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you, and I know you were easy to approach, as said Deanna, ”He said. I figured.

“Is it because I’ve been thinking of you lately, as it was Pride Month?” I asked.

“Yeah, that’s part of it. But there’s something that I wanted to ask you. You’ve been pretty angry for a little while, but it’s because something else is bothering you. What is it?” He asked.

“You haven’t read my thoughts, or know?” I asked.

“No, I’m a gentleman, I don’t want to ruin something that could be good,” He said.

“Well, thank you, I’m just angry at the way your community is getting attacked and no one will do hardly anything to stop it,” I said.

Then he came closer to me and asked me a very important question.

“Why do you care so much about the LGBTQ community, when you’re not apart of it?” He asked.

“Well, I don’t want anyone to get attacked like this, and it just reminds me of what we (the Jewish People) went through. I don’t like this. It’s not right,” I said.

“I knew you had a good heart,” He said.

“Why, did you think I was ok with any of this?” I asked.

“No, but I know that you’re always accepting of others, and there’s not a lot of people who are like that, why are you like that?” He asked. I knew what he was referring to. My parents and I have different views on the LGBTQ community, they’re not necessarily Homophobic, but they are sadly Republicans and I am a different person who is not hateful.

“I’m different, I don’t want anyone hurt or anything like that, I’m a person who wants everyone to be happy,” I said.

“Even a gay man?” He asked. I looked at him, and gave him the “Are you Serious?” Look.

“YES! EVEN A GAY MAN,” I said.

“Good, was just checking,” He said. He said we should walk. We began walking on the beach.

“So, what drew you to me?” He asked.

“My grandmother, she said I should know you,” I said.

“It’s amazing that you are this way and yet, you’re never hateful,” He said.

“No, I’m not, though I have thought about hating specific people, but hate, it doesn’t work,” I said.

I continued to walk with Rock.

“You know, it’s interesting that a Jewish girl, is so interested in helping the LGBTQ community, why?” He asked.

For the first time, I was identified as what I was- a Jewish woman, no one has ever called me one before.

“I know what that looks like, we’ve seen it, and I don’t want that happening to your community, ever,” I said.

“It’s going to be ok, but it’ll get worse before it’ll get better, you’ll see! I have hope!” He said.

“Rock, why are you seeing me now?” I asked. He looked at the waves and then he looked at me.

“I knew you’d ask, but I think because your anger towards people, about us, I don’t want it to get the best of you,” He said.

“Why you though?” I asked.

“Well, Deanna said you’d be a good one to say hello to, and I think she’s right,” He said. I had a feeling Deanna had something to do with it.

I remembered what Elizabeth Kaufmann Koenig once said, “When you’re dead, you run in the same circles, everyone knows everyone.” I guess with Durbin and Hudson, there was no difference.

“So, you see, you can make a difference, Kate, always remember that,” He said.

“You couldn’t even be yourself!” I said.

“I know, but that was a different time,” He said. I told him I was getting tired of walking. He snapped his fingers and we were in Central Park. We both were wearing nicer clothes.

We saw a bench, and we sat down.

“Better?” He asked. I nodded.

“You know, you weren’t anything I expected?” He said. I looked at him in confusion.

“What were you expecting?” I asked.

“Well, a literally mess, but you aren’t messy, your heart is in the right place, and you want everyone to be ok, and I like that about you, very, very much, ”Rock said.

“I am a mess, mentally, but I’m doing my best to get better,” I said.

“No, you’re not that messy, you’re just..” He said.

“I’m just what?” Really, tell me,” I said.

“Your brain, says things that aren’t true, and when people tell you said, things, it just believes it, and I don’t want you to believe those things, you’re BEAUTIFUL, you have a GOOD HEART and you LOVE BIG. That is what I know,” He said.

“How do you know, we’ve only just met,” I said.

“Well, I am a pretty good judge of character, and to be honest, I get really good vibrations from you,” He said. I sighed a sigh of relief.

“Why, were you worried I wasn’t going to like you?” He asked.

“I always worry what people think of me,” I said.

“You think they judge you before they get to know you,” He said.

“Yeah,” I said. We both looked at each other. He nodded.

“I get that, I get that a lot,” He replied.

“I’m sorry you go through all that,” I said.

“It’s not your fault,” He said. He took my hand in his.

“I’m sorry that no one helped you,” I said.

“No, people did everything they could,” He said. I think he knew what I was referring to- his battle with AIDS.

“I mean, you’re a good woman, you could have any man you want,” He said.

“No, I can’t. I’m not pretty enough for that. Talk to Ann Blyth, she knows,” I said.

“Oh, please! You have just as much beauty as she does! There’s nothing wrong with your appearance!” He said.

“I’m not, I’m just average,” I said, looking down. He looked at my wedding ring.

“You are married, are you not?” He asked.

“Yes, I am,” I said.

“Well, I think he found you attractive,” He said.

“Thanks, but sometimes I don’t feel good about myself,” I said

“Well, you do a lot better than most people,” He said.

“Actually, I really need you to do something for me,” He said. Usually, when these people visit me, they usually are here to help me or they need something from me.

“What do you need me to do?” I asked.

“Well, I need you not to stop fighting,” He said. I thought about this. Fighting for what? Me, or for them?

“For what?” I asked.

“Yourself and for others, I know it’ll pay off in the end,” He said.

I tried to look at him, but I wanted to ask him something, but I didn’t know If I could. Obviously, he knew my question and answered it.

“Yes, we can be,” He said, smiling that dazzling smile at me.

My question was : “Could I ever be friends with this legend? He’s soo cool!”

Rock said, “Let’s walk for a little bit. It’s a beautiful and sunny day and we should walk together,” He said. We got up from the bench and we walked through the park.

“You know for a person who has so much to say, you don’t say a whole lot,” He said.

“I wish I could say the things I want to say, but I’m afraid if I say them, people will get unhappy with me,” I said.

“Why? Because you’re standing up for yourself?” Rock said.

“I guess? But I don’t I handle things well, I overreact,” I said.

“You don’t, you have a big heart and sometimes, people who do, have a lot of emotions and don’t know what to do with them,” He said.

“Have you ever wanted to cuss someone out or make them feel bad?” I asked. He nodded.

“Of course,” He replied.

“What have you done about it?” I asked.

“I sometimes, have to pick my battles, not everything is worth the fight,” Rock said. I looked around, and there were so many people, did they even notice us? We continued walking.

“Why is that I’m never right? I’m always wrong?” I asked.

“When are you wrong?” Rock asked.

“I just am,” I said.

“No, your brain thinks you’re wrong, but you’re not,” He said. Then why did I feel sick?

Then, he said to close my eyes. I did. When I opened my eyes, we were in a hospital.

“Why we are we here?” I asked.

“Well, just to show you what happened here,” He said.

“To you?” I asked.

“Yeah, and to others like me,” He said. We walked among the wards and there were men, who were dying. I wanted to cry, and scream. How could anyone not help them? Someone has to help them? He was reading my head, and knew I was thinking these things.

“You just wanna help everyone, don’t you?” He asked. I looked at him.

“I just want everyone to be ok,” I said. He then stopped me and he held both of my hands.

“You can’t save everyone, Kate and it’s impossible for everyone to save you, but we are trying,” He said.

“But you’re saving me,” I said.

“Yes, we all are, but I think you’re finally getting the message, that suicide, is the hardest thing a person does, and believe me, I’ve been dead for a while, I don’t want to see a nice girl like you go,” He said.

“I.. I wasn’t thinking of it, now, at least,” I said.

“I know, but you have- haven’t ya?” He said.

I knew he knew, and I couldn’t lie to him.

“Yes, I’ve been thinking about it, but you all, you’ve stopped me,” I said, looking away from him.

“You’re going to be ok, Kate, I know it. Your life is difficult, I know, but so was mine. Think about it, really,” He said.

I wanted to cry, but Rock wrapped me in his arms.

“It’s ok, you just…cry!” He said. I tried not to cry, but I felt a few tears fall from my face.

“You’re a good kid, and I want you to know that. Your heart is a good one and you accept everyone and that’s hard for even grown men to do!” He said.

“Rock, why didn’t anyone help you? Why? You weren’t a disease! I know you had one, but you weren’t it!” I said, looking around the hospital.

“No, kid, I wasn’t, but there were people who didn’t understand, and they still don’t. It’s almost like it’s repeating itself. You’re fighting for them, but you need to remember to also fight for yourself. Remember that demon you saw of yourself? You need to remember to fight it! It’ll come up at times and I want you to make sure that you can fight it. You can’t let it win, I know you think you’re weak, but YOU’RE NOT WEAK! I’ve seen weak and you’re not!” Rock said, letting me go. Now, I was really crying. I felt helpless, looking at all the sick people.

“I think we’ve had enough time here,” He said, as he took my hand and walked out of the hospital.

We suddenly found ourselves in San Fransico. I had never been there, but he loved it.

“You like the sunshine?” He asked.

“I guess?” I said.

“Come on, I’ll take you somewhere fun!” He said.

We ended up on a beach again.

“Like what you see?” He said.

“I’m not a fan of beaches,” I said.

“I know you’re not, but come on! Let’s go walk!” He said, as we were barefoot again. I felt the sand through my toes.

He began talking about Hollywood and the many men he loved. I listened, I didn’t want to interrupt.

I thought to myself, is sex good? He asked me about my husband and how we got along. I told him I was happily married and I sometimes wish that we lived in a different state, maybe even different country. But he told me that I needed to stare those assholes in the face and not be the bigger person, which didn’t sound like him at all, but I knew what he meant. I needed to be the bigger person for those around me, and not give in to what the fear mongruels wanted.

“So, what is it that you want most?” He asked. There were a lot of things I wanted: Children, a dog, a new house, things like that.

“Well, there’s a lot of things I want,” I told him.

“Gimme one thing!” He said.

“Well, I really want either a child or a dog,” I said.

“Yes, I know you’ve been talking about a service dog for a little while,” He said.

“It would help me, especially at night, when I’m alone. A cat, I feel like would just ignore me and I need something to cuddle with, not just a stuffie,” I said.

“I understand that, and I believe it would help you. Trust me, I’ve had dogs, never had children though. Are you sure you want a child or is society telling you that you want a child?” He asked. I hated these type of questions.

“No, Rock, I want a child, I’ve wanted one all my life,” I said.

“Your mother probably instilled that in you,” He said.

“No, it was the photos of all the Old Hollywood moms, that made me want a child,” I said.

“Ah, I see. Well, get the dog first, see how you handle it,” He said.

“I was thinking of that,” I said.

“Katie, I know you’re a good person, but you do too much for others, you need to do something for yourself!” He said.

“Like what?” I said.

“I know you’re a writer, will you write about me sometime?” He asked.

“Of course, I’ll write about you. Granted, usually when I’m done with these kind of things, I write them down so I won’t forget,” I Said.

“Good, I’m glad, cause my time is nearly gone, and you’ll be back home. Remember, you can fight, but fighting is something you do for others as well as yourself!” He said as he hugged me good-bye.

I woke up, and what was on the TV? All that Heaven Allows. I felt a lot better and to be blunt: More like myself.