“My God What Is Happening To Me?” : The Diary of an Autistic Jewish Woman
In three volumes of Diaries, there are words from an autistic Jewish woman, who at the age of 13, began to write her feelings down in notebooks. She stopped at age 15 and when she picked it up again in 2015, she really began to take her writing seriously, or her feelings seriously.
That girl, is me. I am the diarist that has written so much of life in scattered notebooks, until I began to write them in a set of journals by Leuchtturm 1917. These books are usually in Bullet form, but I can find the lined ones. I pick different versions of colors, and I am now on the orange diary. On the covers, I usually have a picture of what is important to me.
From what I’ve written, especially in the orange book, I have been very expressive of my feelings and what I have reflected. I re-read it and I go “Wow, I was really going through it”. For me, I am a woman who is very expressive and I have so many feelings, and I don’t know what to do with them.
The first diaries were written — that I really started keeping up with my life and my day, was written in Feb. of 2019 and ended in 2021. I started the seceond volume in Dec. of 2021 and it ended in Jan. of 2023. The diary I am currently writing in- picked up in Jan of 2023 and I’m almost done with that one. I have been writing down my feeling and the notes of the day.
These diaries I know will never be lost, but if I happen to die, these diaries, I do want published. Yes, some of my feelings may “hurt” other people’s feelings, but when you write in a diary and you’re dead, no one can really hurt you then.
I’m not sure why I write- but I have to remember each day as it happens, or else I’ll forget. I can’t remember things as I used to, and this is a way to write down important dates or important events that have happened to me. But recently, the diary entries from my diary, have been more deep and a little more concerning. As I beg the world to spare the Trans Youth, I look to Anne Frank , Tomas Kulka, Petr Ginz and Otto Wolf for Guidence. I don’t turn to God.
“Petr- God tell me you’ll still be there when I need you- but help me- help me understand- why there is so much hatred- People turning on other people-shootings almost everyday-book bannings, my God- we’ve gone back in time, haven’t we? Please Petr, show me what I can do to make sure you’re not forgotten. I know Chava is with you, but there’s so much of you, I feel .
The worst part Petr, is that these political leaders don’t give a shit= and they don’t realize the damage they’re doing- that’s the scary part. The Kids- the people say-they need to protect-but from WHAT? They want kids to be hateful- Petr it’s bad. But I know you see it.. I know you know. It’s like they’ve learned nothing from you. It’s like you didn’t even exisit. You did- YOU DID. I feel like I could scream, but no one would hear me. Crying does no good. Protesting, what good does that do? These politicians won’t budge. People are getting anxious-kids are at risk. Politicians have fucked up our futures”.
That was written on April 20, 2023. I poured my heart into that entry. I am really beyond scared for the kids of America. I don’t want to even be here, but I know that someone must fight for them, and as a Jewish woman, I must do it. Fight them with my own diary, as we try to remember those diarists who were murdered and left their words behind.
I am trying to figure out my feelings, and I put them into words, and I figure out what I need to do. These diaries will probably be published when I complete one.
