Sometimes My Mind..

I haven’t been doing well. I don’t know if it’s my medication not working, or just me, getting worse, with my health?

I am autistic and sadly, with the autism, comes a lot of issues with it.

I get really, really depressed around the fall and I stay that way until usually the spring. Is it seasonal depression? I don’t know, but I’ve not been well. I haven’t. I am having meltdowns, I’m getting agitated, and I’m getting impatient- not only with myself but with others. My mind is just going to dark places and I’m trying to pull myself out of it. I am losing all that I hold dear and I think that everyone hates me, and everything is just going to shit. But, sometimes, I want to just “Feel normal” — whatever the hell that means.

I am a product of two parents, who needed to take care of their oldest, while telling me (the youngest) to be the “Good girl”- to not make waves or trouble. Whatever I was feeling, I needed to shove it down and not talk about it. A lot of sadness and a lot of hurt was shown in my room. I cry and inside, I screamed so much, cause there was no one to hold me, except my grandpa (dad’s dad), who is the focus right now in a lot of my family’s conversations. My mind goes to places that I don’t want it to.

Before you say anything, I am getting all the help I can try to get at this moment: Therapy, medical doctors and such.

I am doing all that I can right now. I am glad I have a six day weekend this week, cause my mind is just not well. No, I’m not violent, I don’t want to hurt anyone but myself. I am trying to remain alive, in a world that I know doesn’t want me. That’s how I feel. I get texts from friends, that say, “Stay alive”- but really, do I want to? I just want the pain of feeling like a burden to go away. Afraid to ask for help, cause I’m worried I’ll be seen as said burden. I am the one that needs music, my Holocaust children and teens that I study or just movies to get through life and it helps, but there are times I just want to feel like I belong. Just once, I wanna feel that.

People who check in on me, asking me how I’m doing, instead of me having to do it all the time. I give so much of myself to people and yet, it is hardly ever returned.

I hope I have friends, I never know. Right now, it’s been a lot harder to tell who is really there for me and who isn’t. As an autistic person, I’ve managed to survive 31 years of life, and yet, I can’t seem to be in survival mode anymore. It’s really sad, because there is so much I wanna say, and there’s so much I want to do, but I don’t know if I can say everything I wanna say, or do.

I want to just to express how I’ve felt, and how I’ve been doing, but I’ll always come across weird and I know there are people out there that I have hurt and made mistakes with, and I’m eternally regretful for that.

I don’t know why, but I’m just over all, sad. I’m lost, and no, I don’t need Jesus, thank you (I’m Jewish by the way), and to be honest, I just feel like every shred of happiness I have, gets taken away from me. It’s like I don’t deserve to happy, but people say I do. They’ll say, “Oh Kate! Your time is coming!” Or my classic favorite, “Everyone deserves to be happy!” Then why, do I feel like whenever I’m happy, it’s for a short time? Luckily for me, my marriage is fine, and I guess I am just trying to make it work, so I don’t even up alone. I’m scared of my future, where will it end up? In the ground or as a mother? Who knows? All I know right now, is that I’m struggling to stay alive and it’s getting exhausting. I don’t know how much more I can take? I can’t seem to look at myself anymore, but I hate the way I look, always have, and I’m trying to just understand myself as an autistic woman.

So much of me was torn when I was a kid. I was bullied, left out and above all, isolated. I spent a lot of time in my room, alone, writing stories, that I know will never see the light of day. I played with dolls, because they didn’t hurt me, and they didn’t call me names and they certainly didn’t leave me out. It was hard and it was something that I still struggle with- being left out or not getting invited. When I was young, I was never really invited to parties, and I was never sure why. I wanted to be — so much.

But, sadly, I would try to invite people to my own party, and when I got older, they never showed. My mom managed to convince the mothers to come to my party and there are a few videos of me with kids at my party, but when I entered middle school, I didn’t have any friends to invite to my birthday parties, so I spent them with just mom, dad and brother and I guess that was ok? They always gave me such nice gifts- but on the inside, I was lonely. I don’t think non-autistic adults realize how lonely being autistic can be, especially as an adult, when people never communicate with you about what you did wrong, or just in general. I’ll give you a good example:

I don’t like the holidays, because the people I love aren’t here to celebrate and things have changed, but the thing that gets me through the holidays are giving people holiday packages, and sometimes, I’ll send those overseas! It’s fun and I like doing them. One such package I sent in OCTOBER — to Darci Shaw (an actress I really have to come to enjoy, and have spoken to her a couple of times via email, due to her birthday and summer packages, which I think she loved!) and sadly, she never got her Christmas packages, and I had a very bad meltdown. She never got it and it makes me sad. I don’t know why she didn’t get it, but it sat in Customs for 2 months, until it made it’s way to me! My goodness, I put so much effort and love into that package, you would not believe! But, I think I’ll give the agency a call and be nice about it, but it really hurt, because I spent a lot of money trying to make her Christmas special, but her birthday is in April, so I’ll make her package nice, but her agent stopped talking to me or responding, and I have not the slightest clue why? I didn’t do anything, not to my knowledge. I hate that. NO COMMUNICATION — and I NEED THAT! As an autistic woman, I need you to VOCALIZE with me WHAT I DO or why I DID WRONG- cause you if you don’t, I don’t know what the hell I ever did?

It’s hard being me, and I just want to make everyone happy and then, when it comes to me, there’s nothing left.

I know I sound ungrateful, and bitchy, but I’m exhausted of the pain I deal with and I suffer in silence cause I don’t know how to express myself. I want to scream and I want to yell and I really want to be “mean”- but that’s not my nature, it’s not. I’m tired and I’m just ready for some miracle pill to take the pain and I know you’ll say, “Kate, there’s no such thing as a miracle pill”- or anything. I just want to feel something. I am numb right now.

I was “fostering” a dog- I found her on the side of the road. She was not chipped or anything, but I kept her for 6 beautiful days, and she made my life better and brighter, then her owners took her back and I felt like I was ripped again of my happiness.

“NO KATE YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!” Even when I was getting married, it was miserable- not to my husband, but how my family handled it.

I just want people to understand me, and like me, for me, and not for what I do for them (i.e — pay for everything).

I just want the pain of existing to go away. I just want people to love me, for me and talk to me about good things that I’ve done, or answer my calls, or check in on me, because hardly anyone does and it’s a crying shame, because I’m the one who shows up and is a good friend, because I’ve never had good friends- they just use me and then get bored of me, and then MAKE ME out to be THE BAD GUY.

I’m tired and I’m exhausted by it. My heart can only take so much more.

In my own way, I just want people to read the things I’ve written and understand how I felt. I just want to write people, who I love letters, explaining my condition, but that’s all I ever do: Is explain myself and I’m tired of defending myself- or defending my name.

When I was a kid, yeah, I was dumb and I know I was dumb and I know in my early 20’s, I was a dumb ass kid. I know I was, cause again, I wanted friends and I wanted to be accepted, but that never really happened. The people The diaries I have, are filled with words, that I wish I could publish, but I am always worried how other people will feel if they read them. Well, if I ever die, I have instructed my husband to publish them for the world to see- cause at that point, I don’t care, I’m dead.

I hope that 2024 is good to me, cause 2023 was ok, but it didn’t end well. I nearly took my own life on New Years Eve, cause I was just feeling that bad. My in-laws stepped in and have been letting me stay at their house for two days and then I’ll go home- back to my boring and sad life. It’ll be sad walking back into the apartment- without any dog to greet me and I’ll try not to cry. My husband’s job is always so long and he’s gone for long hours, so I am left alone- I am alone and he says, “No, you have me”. My “friends” will say the same thing and when I call, cause I need someone, they don’t answer. I can’t tell my own parents about my feelings, cause they just aren’t that understanding. I am trying to get medicine that works and therapy. I am crying for my grandpa all the time and I just want him back. I just want him back. I just want -I wish God had never taken either of my grandparents. My heart was torn out of my body after my grandpa died, cause I’ve never felt the same again.

I haven’t, in fact, the older I get, the worse I get, the more I need him, the more support I need. I am disabled and I am in need of so much medical attention.

But, to be quite blunt, I just want the pain to end. The pain of suffering.

I hope 2024 is good for me.