The Autistic Woman “Speaks”
I saw an article here on Medium, about what traits of Autism are overlooked in girls and women.
Here were a few, and I’ll tell you as an autistic woman, how this affects me.
Difficulty Making Friends (May Also Have An Imaginary Friend or One Best Friend).
My husband says he cannot believe this one was ever true about me. But all jokes aside, growing up, I had a HORRIBLE time making friends. I sometimes would do a lot of “out loud” writing (and I still do this). “Out Loud” writing, is when I write something, like a story and I would “Act it out” like a movie, using voices to try to see what it would look like if it were made into a play or a film. But, recently I’ve been able to make a few friends and keep them. Some of them have remained my friends for a long time.
But as a child, I would do so much “out loud” writing, people thought I was actually talking to more than one person (I can do different accents).
Misdiagnosed With Personality/Mood Disorders
I was diagnosed with a mood disorder in 2017.
I have been called “bi-polar,” by “Friends” but doctors could never diagnose me with Bi-Polar. I am on medication, have been on several different medications since I was 10 years old. Medications can do so much to you. They can make you be someone you’re not. I’ve never ever felt like “me.” I don’t even know who I am. Jewish or not? 30 in age, but 16 mentally.
I get upset a lot, and people think I act “Erratic,” when really I’m having a meltdowns. I can’t help them and I hate myself for them. I have meltdowns at work sometimes, and it’s so hard to express to anyone how they feel or why I have them.
But I’m always told that I’m not “balanced.” I’m never happy enough, or if I’m sad, I want to die, there’s no in between. If I’m happy, I’m overly happy and erratic or if I’m sad, I need serious help. Why can’t anyone understand how I feel. I feel like I have to please everyone and I don’t leave it for myself. When I try to do “self-care,” I’m seen as selfish, lazy or both. I’m not lazy, I just sometimes get overwhelmed and need to be a couch potato sometimes.
As for my mood, I know it can be all over the place, but I don’t know If I’ve always been that way, because I was medicated.
Difficulty With Rejection And Branded As ‘Sensitive’
I am a crybaby. If people don’t like me, I get so upset. I want everyone to like me. I know, it’s irrational that everyone will like me, but I try my damn near hardest to make sure people like. If I don’t feel like they are happy to see me, or even want me around, I get upset. It sucks. It really does.
I am called “dramatic” when I cry and I can never fully express myself the way I want to. If I do, I’m “overreacting.” I’m never allowed to scream at people or call them out, but they can do that to me?
So am I sensitive? Yes. Very.
Intense Passion For Public Figures
This has always been an issue for me. I get obsessed over people and I can’t think of anyone else. Some of the people that I have had an intense passion for :
- Anne Frank
- Deanna Durbin
- Darci Shaw
- Bonita Granville
- Gloria Jean (who actually became a friend of mine!)
- Otto, Kurt and Felicitas Wolf
- Tomas Kulka
- Ester and Donia Sorger (Serger)
- Lola, Rosemary and Priscilla Lane
- Petr and Chava( Eva) Ginz
- Thomasin Mckenzie
- Jobyna Ralston
and many others to name, but if you know me: This is what I’m passionate about.
It makes sense now, when I got my diagnosis of Autism when I was 21 or 22, It made sense, why I was so “obessed” with certain people or things. I am very interested in the Holocaust and 1940’s films, especially their stars.
My “intense” passion for people, sometimes I don’t know why I am interested in them, but as a writer and filmmaker (well, trying to be an aspiring filmmaker), I’m not sure why these people or events seem to never leave my mind. It’s hard to say “yeah, I’m a fan!” But as an autistic woman, I tend to feel the world around me and when my special interests come up, people don’t understand it.
Let’s take the Holocaust for example. I study a very specific part of the Holocaust: The Jewish teens and children, and the diaries. I study the kids. I know, sounds weird, but that is what interests me. Why? I think because those kids scream at me the loudest. I am also a Holocaust diary historian. I study the diaries of young people from that period and hence where Anne Frank, Petr Ginz and Otto Wolf come from.
When it comes to movie stars, I usually like the ones that no one really talks about, or the up and coming. Like Deanna Durbin and Darci Shaw, they are literally 81 years difference, but they both give me off the same vibe: cinematic . I like things I feel like I can work with ( I do video editing and use a lot of movie footage for songs) . But I’m not sure why I’m so interested in them? I can’t seem to “shake them.”
So, this is a little guide to me!
Yes, as an autistic woman, I find life so much different and I see it through a different lens.
