“The Hand of God of What You Do”
I am a Holocaust Museum volunteer. I am a Jewish teen and children historian, as well as a Diary Historian. Sometimes, when I go to sleep, these kids visit me. As weird as that sounds, it makes sense to people. I have had people tell me that God uses people to see us in dreams. When my grandpa died when I was 17, I had dreams of him for months.
When I study the lives of these Jewish teens and children, some of them come find me, if you will. I know that sounds so weird to the average person, but It’s true. Last week, I walked into a new co-worker asking my boss if I was mentally challenged and why there was a little boy on the cover of my journal. I told her I was autistic and that boy meant the world to me. Funny, that boy is Tomas Kulka. Tomas Kulka, I seem to be “seeing” a lot more of lately. When I say “seeing”, not in front of me, but when I sleep. In one of my dreams, where he visited. He was holding my hand, looking exactly like the photo below, and he was eating some candy, when he offered me a piece. I told him he needed it more. We were walking down a gravel road. He stopped and looked at me. In broken English, he asked me why I cared about him so much. I told him he mattered to me because he was someone I needed to fight for. I asked him why he drop kicked himself into my life in 2010. His response: “I thought you looked nice.” We continued to walk. He said I shouldn’t lose myself. I asked him what he meant.
“You lose yourself too much, don’t lose yourself the way I did”. I told him he was murdered, and that was different. He said “I don’t want you to end up like me.” I was confused, because I wasn’t in the same position as him.
Of course, he was young, and he was only seven, explaining me all this and in broken English, he’s Czech and I’m sure not fluent in English. He told me, “You have moments, when you are happy, and then you crash and become sad. Don’t let one thing hurt you. She does not have your spirit. You are a good friend- and a good worker.” I knew what he was referring to. I told him I carry him with me everywhere. “People do not understand, because I am so young, and they do — not understand why you care for a child, you have not met in your lifetime,” He said. I looked at him. He smiled that cute smile at me. I told him, “ Please tell me if I’m doing too much.” He shook his little head. He held my hand tight. He smiled again. He hugged me, and that was part of my waist and legs. He burst into ashes. (Tomas Kulka was murdered at Sobibor- he was gassed and reduced to ashes).
When I woke up, I felt my heart beat fast. I knew he was right. I was letting small things get to me.
The next day, I was talking to students at the Holocaust Museum, when Holocaust Survivor, Bill Orlin came up and talked to me. He asked me if I saw the Hand of God in what I did. I am not a particularly religious Jew, but I didn’t understand what he meant. He told me that God gave me a gift of passion and he wanted me not to waste it. I told him about my dream with Tomas Kulka. He said, “That’s God sending you a message. When God sends our loved ones, or people we want to see, they are here to send us messages. Do you believe that?” He asked me. I told him I could see that, for sure. He asked if I ever saw Anne (Frank)? I nodded. “A few times, here and there, she’ll show up,” I replied. “Hashem is sending you a message, to protect you and to love you,” He said. I tried to think of this in Moshe Flinker’s point of view. I am not very religious, but I do believe in spiritual intervention. I keep telling myself I don’t want to go back to how I was last year (I was not in a good place mentally last year and almost took my own life several times). I think Hashem has been sending people whom I love, ❤️ and people who I feel very attached to. Yes, I have seen Deanna Durbin in my dreams, as well as my friend, Gloria Jean. But, recently, it’s been the Holocaust teens and children. I don’t know what they want, but to be honest, I don’t mind seeing them in my dreams and thoughts.
Bill Orlin is a sweetheart, and he really enjoyed listening to me speak of the Jewish teens and children during the Holocaust. He’s 90, and he’s so wise. He always has such wise things to say. The Jewish teens and children, as he said “Are making sure, you are listening to them, because in reality, they can’t be heard, but you can! Surprisingly, you can feel their spirits. When you’re angry or when you talk about them, you talk about them as if they were still alive and that’s a gift,” He said to me last week. I try to understand, and as an autistic person, I try to undrstand the words people say. I don’t understand my dreams, or why I have them, but I’ve had strange dreams like this since I was 17. My grandpa began these dreams and I can never shrugg them off. Sometimes, I just sleep right through them, usually I see the person, or people, and they talk about what they want, and then I wake up and think nothing of it. But recently, Tomas Kulka and Chava Pressburger (Eva Ginzova) (a late friend of mine and a Holocaust Survivor), have been taking much of my dream space. I don’t know why, but I know this sounds so weird and I sound even weirder explaining it to people. But, when I listened to Bill, I am trying to make sense of it all.
When I become so interested in a person, especially when they’re dead, they show up and they give me “pep talks.” My mind can be very cruel to me sometimes and I don’t believe a word I’m saying. I cry sometimes over the littlest things and I don’t know why I do? But, to be honest, I think these kids are here to save me from myself. When I was going through so much last year, Deanna Durbin popped up in my dreams to say “If you don’t save yourself, then no one can save you.” Gloria Jean also popped into my thoughts, but I think she was just making sure I was alive.
But I feel like when I dream, it’s usually because I’m going through something and it worries people. I guess these people want me to stick around.
So do I believe in what God is doing is good? I hope so.
