The Pain of Autism
In this article about The 5 Really Painful Things That Autistic People Go Through Every Day —
I really wanted to put in my 2 cents, since I am an autistic woman.
- Masking
I mask all the time! Masking for me, can be both difficult and easy. Easy, in the sense I do it all time and difficult, because I am doing it so much, I get exhausted. I do my best to “fit in” but I always feel out of place.
I’ve never felt like I’ve ever belonged anywhere and I think people get that?
Masking for me is a way to survive, but at some point, I can mask anymore, it’s getting too complicated and my autism is getting worse, not better.
2. Sensory overload
For me, Sensory overload looks a little bit differently. I get overwhelmed with work, especially since I work in a museum, and I deal with people. Let me be more specific, I work under a musuem in the reservation department and I deal with teachers, all day long, and it can be extremely overwheleming, especially if they’re all wanting the same thing.
I was certainly overwhelmed the other day, trying to get all the Field Trips that I book- booked.
3. Pain
OH MY GOD, this one is a given for me! I have a VERY LOW tolerance of pain and I’m always in pain. I don’t know why, but everything hurts. It could be my back, or my legs, or my tummy.
I hate being in pain. I really wish I wasn’t. I have to lay down a lot, and I hate it being in so much pain. I feel like because I’m autistic, and I have so much that I do everyday, I get home, and I lay down.
4. Feeling misunderstood
This is me on a daily basis. I am always misunderstood. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, and I still don’t. Do I belong in the Holocaust Studies world or the Old Hollywood scene? Where do I fit? I love people from each of those things and I’m passionate about both. But, I feel like I’m on my own for so much, when it includes trying to find my place in this world.
I wish I was more included in things, like work events, or parties or just in general. I seem to be left out of things, and events, and it really upsets me, but I don’t ever express that to anyone, because I don’t know how to? I never am allowed to express my feelings the way I would like to- cause I’ll be “overreacting!” I’m not allowed to cry in the way that I want to, because if people ask me what’s wrong, I can’t just say, “I’m left out!” or “No one wants me!” Cause I get the whole, “Yes they do!”
If people liked me, the way that they said they did, I would be included, I would be loved, I would feel more like I belonged in this world and not in the realm of where I want to be. I just want to be with people who I know will want me and care about me, not here, where I am always wondering if people actually want to be with me? Or do they really want to hang out?
If people really did care about me like they say they do, then they should call, or text or something? I am the one who always checking in on people and making sure they’re ok? But what about me? Selfish as that may sound, but I’ve never felt like I ever really belonged? I am always the one who is doing everything and I wish I could tell people that. Sometimes, I wish I had some sort of disease that would kill me, because then MAYBE people might give a shit about me. I just wish that people would care about me, the way I care about them. I don’t know, I just want people to know how I feel sometimes, and yet, all they see, is FREAK- WEIRDO- or REJECT. That’s all I’ve ever felt about myself? I don’t know. I’m exhausted.
5. Everyday changes
I am always changing, but that doesn’t mean I like the change around me. I am trying to adapt to new changes, all the time.
I don’t like changes, but I am here anyways.
Autism is extremely painful- so if we’re in pain, help us.
