The Things That Make Me- Me- Being Autistic..
I read this post about autistic women and I wanted to touch base on a few things that the article said.
“Autistic women are great at masking their needs because, as we are taught from a young age, to endure, to push ourselves beyond what feels comfortable, and to put everyone else’s needs above ours.”
Absolutely! I mask all the time, to the point where it becomes unbearable.
During the holidays, it becomes worse and I try to hold it together, in reality, I can’t. I do my best to, but it seems like this past week, my mask has been slowly coming off, to the point of crying and meltdowns.
I have never been taught to deal with my own emotions.
Struggles to make or maintain friendships but has one or two close friends
OH MY GOD. YES. I have struggled with this ALL MY DAMN LIFE! I think that I have friends and then, they slowly leave me. It’s hard to have friends who will stay by your side. When you’re autistic, I feel that sometimes, I don’t know who are my real friends and who are just there to “use me”. It’s really hard to tell the difference between them two.
I have a few close friends and they haven’t left me and I’m glad they haven’t.
Finds it difficult to express their feelings
YES. I have a hard time doing this. Sometimes, I am just a very emotional person and I am overly emotional. I am an autistic woman- I need communication. Let me explain a recent incident:
I usually send holiday packages during the Holidays- which makes sense. I sent one to one of my favorite moive stars, Darci Shaw — and I have sent her packages twice this year and she loved both of them! This one, sadly, came back, without any explaination- it said on the package- “Not called for”.
I had to send it to an agency, and recently, they have not been too communicative with me and that makes me so frustated- since I am autistic, I NEED COMMUNICATION. I hope to call the agency (which is in Britain, so I know that bill is gonna be alot), but I need to know what the hell happened. When I’m having meltdowns, it’s hard to explain where the source of that said meltdown came from..
It’s hard to explain, and I know.. I’m trying to survive these days .
Overthinks or fixates on something someone has said
Oh my god, this is one of my worst traits. In 2022, I had a mental health crisis and a few “friends” decided that it would be a good idea to tell me what a horrible person I was- which I replayed all their words in my head and my ears- up until February of 2023. I think of their words sometimes, but I have learned to not think of those words, though sometimes as an autistic person, I can’t contain those thoughts.
Finds it challenging to let go/move on from things or relationships
Ohhhh MY GOD. This one is.. LET ME UNPACK THIS!
So.. a long time ago, I had a penpal ship with an actress, but sadly, she turned out to be kinda awful, and I was overanxious, and I think I might have scared her, it was my fault, but at the time, I didn’t know I was autistic. I get over anxious with people, and sometimes, I “smother” them, without even knowing I do. I just want to show them love and support.
When I dated, I had a hard time wondering why we broke up? I know that one of my exes, who is autistic himself, I knew I hurt him, and I still feel so incredibly bad still for hurting him.
I also get upset when friends, don’t want to be “friends” anymore. They either think I’m “Too much” or they get “bored” of me- or they’ve used me enough to their advantage. The problem with being autistic, is that I cannot tell the difference if someone is “laughing at me” or “with me”- usually it’s at me.
Watches the same TV show/film to feel comforted
YES. Gravity Falls, The Golden Girls or any Deanna Durbin, Bonita Granville or Gloria Jean film, is usually on, because they bring me such joy and comfort. I know that Gravity Falls, would be considered a “kids show,” but my god, it’s a delight and it really is comforting when I’m not feeling well.
Struggles with motherhood/or is scared to have kids
I don’t have children yet, but I am nervous about motherhood. I don’t know any autistic mothers? I’ve been told by a lot of doctors that I should not attempt to have children, due to my mental capacity- meaning, because I’m autistic. I love children and people say I’m going to be an amazing mother, but I still have my reservations, due to being autistic. I am wanting children, have all my life, but being mentally disabled, it’s hard to try to think of how I could be there emotionally for my children, when I, myself, has many, many meltdowns. What am I to do?
Struggles with the feelings/ickiness of periods
I really hate my period. I hate the bleeding and the way it makes me feel. I use women’s diapers instead of tampons, because I don’t like the thought of something stuck up there and pads are ok, but they just don’t do the trick, so I have been using pull ups, ever since I was 9, when I started my period.
I hate it and I still do.
Hates surprises
I really don’t know about this one. I really like surprises, but I can see where autistic women hate them.
Always wear sunglasses
I don’t usually and wish I did. But my glasses are transition glasses, so I don’t know about this one either?
Has intense ‘socially acceptable’ interests such as baking/cooking, makeup and fashion.
Umm.. Mine.. aren’t? I like Old Hollywood, and the Holocaust… I mean, what a weird combo, right? Well, with the Old Hollywood, I like certain stars, and some “modern ones”.
There aren’t many “modern” movie stars I like, but here are a few:
Darci Shaw
Thomasin Mckenzie
Phoebe Dynover
Jodie Colmer
Thomas Brodie Sangster
Robbie Kay
Timothee Chalamet
Dakota and Elle Fanning
Viola Davis
Octavia Spencer
Ashely Brooke
Bel Powely
But here are the stars I do Love:
Deanna Durbin
Bonita Granville
Gloria Jean
Peggy Moran
Kathryn Grayson
Rosalind Russell
Shirley Temple
Lola, Rosemary and Priscilla Lane
AND THEN.. there’s the Holocaust. I study Jewish teens and children/ Diaries.
I don’t know how acceptable these interests are? For me, they make me happy and I know people have said that they are weird interests to have, but they go hand in hand sometimes!
Avoids confrontation
YES. I HATE CONFLICTS! I hate arguments, and fights! My goodness, it just makes me angry and upset. I can’t get the words out and we say things we don’t mean, it’s just human nature. I hate it.
Masking to Fit in the Group
I do this all the time. Oh my god. I do this so much. I mask to the point of being of being exhausted . It’s hard trying to find someone who just loves you, just for you- or who you want to be. I am a Jewish autistic woman, who loves Deanna Durbin and who has seen Petr Ginz fight a demon for her. What can people really like about me? I try to just be the Jew they want me to be?
Autistic Hyperfocus is Very Diverse
OH MY GOD. Mine, is between Hollywood and the Holocaust, but with the Holocaust- it’s Jewish teens and children and Diaries- sometimes they go hand in hand. I love Darci Shaw, Thomasin Mckenzie, Ashley Brooke, Bonita Granville and Deanna Durbin, I just want to know them all personally- and be their friends (Deanna and Bonita, I know their kin, but the others, I have had some interactions with them). I just wanna fit in with people who seem so cool, and I guess, I’ll never be cool. Deanna and Bonita, I have loved since I was young, and I have never let go of them.
When it comes to the Holocaust, I have loved the Jewish teens and children and their diaries. Otto Wolf, Tomas Kulka and Petr Ginz, my faves, those- I don’t let go of.
Right now, I’ve been focused on my grandpa’s “stories” about his life and I have been so focused on that- which have made me pause on my other novel that I’ve been doing so well with. My goodness, what has happened to me?
Eating Disorders
With this, I tend to over eat, and have gained about 20 pounds since I got married last year. It’s been such a struggle to lose weight.
As an autistic woman, I can’t seem to understand the world, and I’m doing my best to understand this crazy world, while loving people.
