“Though You Can’t See Us, We’re Right There With You & “You Have Left Your Mark On Others”
I had slept twice and according to my husband, I first fell asleep after I came home from lunch with the girls, and then I fell asleep at night.
I had two different dreams when I went to sleep, twice.
Here is the first one:
I heard my name being called. “Katie! Kay-ti!” I woke up and sitting on a wooden bench was a woman I thought I recognized. I walked a little closer to her. I was somewhere, like in a grassy field. The woman had curly- long black hair, glasses and wore a long white dress. She noticed me. “Ah! Katie! Come!” She called to me. As I walked closer to her, I realized who it was: Elizabeth (Elisabeth) Kaufmann Koenig. I stopped a little before I really reached her. She looked at me in surprise. “Is that how you greet a friend?” She asked. I looked at her in confusion. “Umm, we’ve never met,” I replied.
“Well, we’re friends now,” She said as she motioned for me to sit down. I sat next to her.
“I’m sure you’ve heard about me,” I said as I looked down waiting for the worst.
“Well, Chava told me a few things, but other than that, no- not exactly. I know my diary isn’t published fully but oh! Isn’t that what you’d like to do?” Elizabeth said. The fact that she name dropped Chava made me look at her.
“You know Chava!?” I asked- she could see the desperation in my eyes. “Of Course! Darling, you must understand in our world, we know a lot of people- we all seem to know — or run in the same circles,” Elizabeth said.
“Where are we?” I asked. “Oh! Let’s change that!” She said as she snapped her fingers. We ended up in the Dinosaur exhibit at my work.
“Why are we here?” I asked. There was no one there, but us.
“Well, I’ve never seen a Dino up close- so,” She replied.
“You have been to museums,” I said.
“Yes, but not in a long time,” She said.
“Oh, yeah, forgot,” I said. She looked at me with those big eyes.
“You do realize I’m dead- have been for a while,” She said.
“20 years,” I said. She took my hand in hers. I felt her cold hand.
“I know, I’m cold- but you’re probably wondering why I’m here?” Elizabeth said. I did wonder, but I didn’t want her to worry or bring it up.
“Well, I know you’re interested in my diary being published- but it might be hard- but you have to be alive for that to happen,” She said.
“I will,” I assured her.
“No, I know what’s in that head of yours,” She replied.
I looked at her, a little annoyed.
“Why do you guys do that?” I asked. Elizabeth looked at me in surprise.
“Do what?” She asked.
“Read my mind or invade my thoughts, it’s a little invasive,” I said.
“It’s not like your mind is yelling at us,” She replied.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Your mind- your brain- it yells and it’s loud. We- or I — can hear it. It’s like you summon us,” She said.
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“It’s not that hard to explain- your mind- it’s pretty loud and the people who care about you- they hear it- and they want to help- and they don’t want to see you struggle,” Elizabeth said.
“You care about me? Why haven’t I seen you before? I’ve been struggling for years and it only seems like now you all want to show up?” I asked, almost angrily.
Elizabeth sighed.
“We have been there. Durbin and Gloria Jean saved you last year, yes? We’ve tried to help in other ways- but now- we realize, we need to help you in another way- that’ll help you understand,” She said.
“Like showing up this way?” I asked.
“Yes- like this- now what are you going to do about my diary?” Publish it- I mean,” Elizabeth said.
“Yeah, I mean- I’m going to try,” I replied.
“Good! You need to attempt even if you don’t get anywhere! Listen to all my testimonials, that should help you understand me better!” Elizabeth said.
I nodded.
“Also, see if you can get your childhood book published,” She said.
“Childhood book?” I asked.
“That Holocaust book about the Jewish children you’ve been working on since last summer,” She said.
“Oh, Youth! Yeah I’m slowly working on it,” I said.
“Well you should! Get that survivor book out too- but one day- I hope you’ll write about me,” Elizabeth said. I looked at her and smiled.
“Don’t worry- I will- I think of you every now and then- I’m sorry I don’t talk about you at the museum- but I’ll definitely try to do more!” I said.
“You can! Once my diary is out to the open- but do- I do have some artifacts there and such,” She said.
“I’ll do everything I can,” I said.
“I don’t know what obstacles you’ll run into, but don’t let it distract you from what matters most,” She said. I looked at her.
“You’re going to get better! You’re getting better everyday! And remember we’re always here,” She said.
I looked at the dinosaurs.
“Aren’t they great? Look how magnificent these creatures are!” Elizabeth said, pointing to the dinosaurs.
“They are my favorite thing here,” I said.
“I know — that’s why I picked it! Let’s go somewhere else!” She said as she snapped her fingers- and we ended up at the Holocaust Museum where I volunteered. Elizabeth sighed.
“Well, you know this place,” Elizabeth said.
We sat on the benches.
“There I am- over there,” She pointed to a picture of herself.
“Yes it’s you- we also have a few of your things, like your painting and a piece of your diary,” I said. Elizabeth looked at me.
“You feel your most happiest here- why ruin your life over a distortion of your mind?” She asked.
“I don’t know? I know I’m pretty weak minded,” I said.
“No, you’re not weak, you have a big heart and that is what sometimes makes people like you- their minds- crumble- under the pressure. It’s not weakness, please don’t think you’re weak,” Elizabeth said.
“Anyone could control me- I know that- it’s not hard,” I said.
She looked at me.
“It’s the fear and anxiety that controls you,” She said. “It’s not anything else- but if you let it control you, then you’re easy, but I know your strength- you have it- I know it,” She said.
I felt defeated, but I knew she was right- to some degree.
“We were once alive, we know how you felt,” She said.
I started crying.
“It’s ok, don’t cry- we’re always going to be there for you-please don’t think you’re fighting alone. I know you can feel us, but please know, we’re right beside you too- though you can’t see us- we’re right there!” Elizabeth said.
Elizabeth handed me a rose. Not the whole rose, but just the flower part.
“You see this? This is you- you’re a flower.”
I shook my head.
“Ah! Katie! You have so much to give! You‘re still blooming- your life will be beautiful and I know it will be. You have a personality unlike anyone I’ve ever met! You shy away from new people, but you still shine at it. You will bloom!” She said.
“Where were you when I was younger?” I asked. She smiled.
It’s amazing when you find us- cause in turn, we find you. You found me Katie. I was getting lost. Now, it’s my turn to find you and look! I found you!” She said. I blinked and we were sitting at my favorite restaurant : Pappadeux’s. “Why are we here?” I asked.
“Aren’t you hungry?” Elizabeth asked. I hadn’t thought about it and yes, I was. Could I eat in a dream? Apparently, you could! I looked down and there was my favorite dish: Pasta Mardi Gras.
“What are we really doing here?” I asked.
Elizabeth looked at me.
“You sure you’re not hungry?” She asked.
“There must be something you want here. Or you want me to do or say,” I said.
“Ok, ok, you got me!” She said.
“What is it? Why are we here?” I demanded to know.
“Eat something and then I’ll tell you,” She coaxed. That pasta sure did look good. It almost was mesmerizing to me. I shook my head.
“You’re not trying to do something to me, are you?” I asked.
“No,” Elizabeth said, taking a sip of her lobster bisque soup.
I slowly ate a little bit of the pasta.
“Good? Just as you remembered?” She asked.
“What are we doing here?” I asked.
“This is one of your favorite places to be, isn’t it?” She asked.
“To eat, yes,” I replied.
“I want you to do something for me,” She said. What could I possibly do for her?
“Whenever you’re sad, I want you to think of this place. Think of the time your husband and you came here- think of what this place means to you,” Elizabeth said.
“I’ll never live here again, and that can make me sad,” I said.
“No, no, no, no! Don’t think of it that way, think of it as if you’re coming home to something. Katie, your memories are not like mine, they’re not fading, yours are still good and think of them when you’re in a predicament,” She said, taking another sip of the soup. She motioned for me to eat and I began to eat.
“Now, tell me about this place, I’ve never been,” She said.
“Well, my grandpa loved this place and it’s been a family favorite for years!” I said.
“Good! Just think of that whenever you’re upset!” She said.
She told me to close my eyes, and I could feel her hand on my head. I guess it must have put me out, because I woke up, feeling full and a little bit more grateful.
Part Two of My Dream:
I woke up on a bench in a park. I didn’t know where Iwas.
“Hello, Kay!” I heard. I looked up and saw a boy with blondish — brown hair and his eyes were blue.
“Petr?” I asked. He was wearing long black slacks, a white button down shirt (that was shirt sleeved) and a coat, and a cap (like a newspaper boy).
“Come, you don’t want to stay here,” He said, reaching out his hand. I took it. “Where’s Chava?” I asked. “Don’t worry, she’s alright, but it’ll just be you and I today. We don’t always come together,” He said, as we began to walk.
“Are we in Prague?” I asked.
“Yes, part of it- but I wanted to make sure I see you,” He said.
“You hadn’t- I guess in a while,” I said.
“I told Chava about you- or Eva,” He said.
“What’s this all about?” I asked.
He turned to me, and our eyes locked. They were beautiful- his eyes. I could see sparkles and everything glittered.
“Your head, it’s hurting!” He said.
“No, I don’t have a headache!” I said. He shook his head.
“No, inside our head, it’s hurting,” He said.
“Can you hear my thoughts too?” I asked.
“Yes, but I choose not to hear them- out of respect for you!” He said.
“That’s very kind of you,” I said.
“Shall we?” Petr said, as he held out his arm. I took it and we walked.
“You know Chava is worried about you,” Petr said.
“I miss her,” I said, trying not to be sad.
“She knows that- but she loved you as much as you loved her,” Petr said.
I tried not to feel sad in front of him. He looked at me- and he stopped walking again.
“You know it’s hard to watch the people you love- slowly lose themselves and slowly die,” He said.
“I know it was hard to watch that for Chava,” I said.
“I was actually talking about you,” He said. I looked at him in surprise.
“I’m dying?” I asked.
“Not in the way that you think,” He said.
“You’re letting the bad take over again- it’s killing you,” He added. I tried to avoid eye contact- but he noticed.
“Don’t avoid me- you know I’m right,” He said. I met his eyes, which seemed to be very soothing.
“Why are you feeling this way?” You are very lucky- to be alive- I wish I was!” Petr said.
I could barely speak and I was on the verge of tears.
“No, no! Don’t cry! You’ve done enough of that! I am going to do whatever I can to keep you alive- as long as I can- My sister is scared- she is worried for you,” He said. I couldn’t take it anymore — he caught me in his arms as I cried. “Help me!” I managed to cry out. He slowly moved us into a hug.
“It’s ok, it’s ok, I got you,” He whispered. Petr looked at me, still sobbing.
“Kay! You’re alive!” He said. I stopped crying.
“What?” I said.
“Crying isn’t a sign of weakness- since birth- it’s the sign that we’ve been alive,” He said. He wiped away my tears.
“No more tears- cause you’ll make me cry,” Petr said. “You’ve got a lesson for me- don’t you?” I asked.
“Not really a lesson, but — just to be there for you- as a friend- that’s what you need,” Petr said, as he smiled. “You are a good kid- aren’t you?” I asked. “Kid? I’m the same age as you!” He said. I knew what he meant. I have the mental capacity of a sixteen year old. I smiled weakly. “Do you see your handprints?” He said. I didn’t understand.
“Ok, well, everyone has a handprint- when they touch other’s lives- they leave that handprint- you’ve left yours on so many,” He said as he placed one of his hands on my chest.
“Funny way of explaining that,” I said.
“It’s true,” He said.
I looked. “You have left your mark on others- you truly have,” Petr said. I noticed that I was not able to move. He had me right where he wanted.
“They showed you what it would be like if you died- I want to show you something too,” Petr said. He took my hand and together he led me through a bright light. First, I saw when I was young- in the orphanage.
“Why are we here?” I asked.
“They said you’d die, but you fought- you didn’t realise it, but you fought for life,” Petr said. He turned me around. We saw my grandpa and I. But he picked a specific memory of us- when I was given Anne Frank’s diary.
“That’s Private!” I yelled, trying to get away.
“Not in our world- it’s not. We’ve seen it all- and while we’re on the topic of memories, you still have them- mine are slowly fading.”
I saw little me- and the man that gave me Anne Frank. Petr put his arms around me, pushing me close to him. “I know, what a treasure,” Petr said as he placed his hands over my eyes and then took his hands away. I saw my self and my friend, Renee Kann Silver. I was still in Petr’s arms.
“What a happy day for you both! It was wonderful for you- and you are so special to her,” Petr said. I was trying not to cry. Then Petr turned me around and showed me the say when I first spoke to Chava. I looked at me- and I looked so happy- but I saw Petr standing near the computer.
“I knew you were special right away,” Petr said.
“I just wanted to talk about you,” I said.
“You left your mark on my sister and she kept that handprint for the rest of her life,” Petr said. I looked at how happy he was.
“See? All these moments needed you- my sister- Loved you — and I told her you’d be pretty! Do you remember her telling you that?” Petr asked. I nodded . “Don’t worry Kay, Chava still loves you, we both do,” Petr whispered. He turned me around to face him, and he took one of his hands and took it in mine. He placed it on my chest. I felt my heart beat fast.
“You feel that don’t you?” He asked. I nodded.
“See? You’re alive- and you've made your mark- keep making your mark. Your mind is like a hard candy- you don’t like it at first, but when you try it- it will be sweet and melt in your mouth. Never stop living for those sweet moments! You’ve got so much to live for! Chava and I love you- we always will. Now you must wake up and life your life- with the good and the bad. Don’t give up Kay! Love you!” Petr said, as he kissed my forehead, and I fell asleep. I woke up missing Chava, but knowing I loved them as much as they loved me.
Chava and Petr left their mark on me, just as I had for them.
