What I Wish..

As an autistic woman, there are so many things I wish, especially the way we treat others.

Sometimes, I wish I could be mean to others, like they are to me. There is this saying “If I treated you , the way you treat me, you’d hate me”. I can never do that to other people.

When I am mistreated or people are just rude to me, I wish I could be rude back. When people like to play the “blame game” for anything, I wish I could tell them “You suck! You’re not worth my time!” But I’m not like that. I wish I could retailate. I wish I could, but I’m always worried about people’s feelings, but I wish I could tell people to go to hell, or how it makes me feel.

There’s so much I wish I could say.

When I’m going through a meltdown, I don’t want to be told to “calm down” I want to be comforted and hugged and told that it’ll pass, instead of all the fucking backlash I get. I guess that’s what I get, since I’m autistic, and you wonder why so many of us unalive ourselves and here, I am in the same spot. I want to leave so badly, but I don’t want to put my loved ones through that pain of my loss.

It’s a real shame that I am always defensless and I cannot stand up for myself, because I frankly I don’t know how ….not without making it worse.

I just wish I could say the things I want to say, I wish I could.