Why Can’t I Ever Submit Anything?
I’m a writer, that’s why I’m write.
I have been working on several things: A biography on Bonita Granville Wrather, and two novels. The novels, I want to really push, and the Bonita Granville one, I’m almost done with (since I have a nice book deal with BearManor Media), but it always seems like if I ever want to publish something, the little doubters get in the way.
“It’s not good enough!”
“It sounds like Fan- fiction!”
“Who would want to read this?”
Those are what I get.
Recently, I was part of a writer’s group ( I think I started going in April) and at first, they seemed fine, and tried to help me with my writing. But, the more I went, I began to see their true colors (they were a group of as my husband called them, “old biddies”), and they didn’t help improve my writing, rather, it just made me lose even more confidence in my writing, and then, I shelved the work I was currently working on. It sucked and then, my husband got a “nasty” email from the group regarding me and he of course, told them that I would not be going anymore, and which I was glad, cause in reality, I want to write. He even told me, “Baby, when you come home from that group, you don’t seem happy, you don’t seem like you wanna write anymore.”
For me, I always tried to see what I was good at.
I never could see what I was “really good at.” Yeah, I am good at making litlte videos, I’m good at sometimes photoshop and, I was always told I had a way with words.
When I read my grandpa’s works last year, I always wished that I had his talent of writing. There was one major difference with him and me: He never shared his writing with the world, I did.
This year, has been a really big struggle for me. For one thing, I’ve learned who my “real friends” are and who are being shitty.
I’ve learned that my worth still isn’t much, but I’m learning to overcome an eating disorder that has been plaguing my life for a long time. I also am trying to write so much and make soemthing good enough for a potential publisher or agent to enjoy.
When I began writing my novel “In Pieces” last year (or the year before), I thought I had it all figured out. Then, I stopped writing.. in the middle of it, not sure where to go? How do I complete it? I don’t know?
The problem with me (being autistic and being ADHD), I have so many great ideas, that I start and stop stories and don’t know how to fix them or complete them.
When I had begun looking into the idea of having an agent, the writing group that I had left, told me that I would never get one, and they told me all about how others in their group would try and try to get one and get burned out. Well, I am already exhausted, but I try to see some hope in my writing. I want to share my writing with the world, like a novel.
In the later half of this year, my grandpa’s story kept coming up.
I have tried to push it away, as I didn’t want to try to adapt it, even though I really would like to. A lot of people (in another writing group that I’m in, that is WAYYY MORE SUPPORTIVE AND LOVING!) said, “Go for it!”
I’m hesitating because of two reasons:
- My Dad: He doesn’t know much about this story and even though the story was about someone else that my grandpa loved way before Granny came into play, I don’t want to him thinking I just blindsided him .
- My Uncle Dan (who is 97 by the way!) : Uncle Dan was 22 when the story took place and I don’t think he was told the real reason that my grandpa’s first girlfriend died, so again, I don’t want to kill him with this.
But, I have a great way of adapting it, I just have to figure out, if it’s worth the time for me to go through it?
One day, I would like to be a big author.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be famous, and everyone know my name. The reason I had back then was dumb, but in this case, to a lot of Autistic women, such as myself, it made sense: I didn’t have friends, and I was alone and I wanted to be invited to things (like premier’s and such) and have on set friends, or be there with others to be included. In the author world, I’m not entirely sure how fame works, but I would love to see one of my grandpa’s stories (I think you guys know which one) come to life in some form of media, whether that would be a play, or a film or a streaming seires, that would be nice.
But, I HAVE TO WRITE THE GODDAMN STORY FIRST. How do I get over the doubts that I’m not a good writer? Jodi Picoult, who is very friendly, who has graciously answered a couple of emails for me, said, “Hi Kate, well, the truth is if you don’t believe in your story no one else will. Even with confidence you can’t always get an agent interested. I think the way to do it is to write about something you cannot stop thinking about. Something you are passionate about. It will shine through.”
I have thought about this, and I want to do it. I just want to know, will there be an agent who would be willing to work with someone like me?
Next year, I’ll be hitting the agent circuit hard, cause I would like to achieve my goal, to make something of myself and make my late grandpa proud. I want to show him that I am a writer and though he never pursued his writing, I did- and I’m gonna keep going, even if it kills me.
Writing is so important to me and I’ve got a lot of good stories to tell.
Tell me, is it worth it?
