“You Hate Me? Guess What? I HATE ME MORE!”
In this wonderful article, about women being diagnosed with BPD — I have my own take on it and how it affects me.
- Issues with emotional regulation
I have always been an emotional person. I still am. I consider myself a goddamn cry baby. I cry over everything. I cry if I am sad, or even left out.
As an autistic woman, crying just seems to be my only option.
I hate it. I wish I could be more stable when it comes to my emotions. I am not a mean person, I am just a person who wants to be accepted amongst people, without being labeld “Freak.”
I cry a lot and to be blunt, I cry more than I smile.
I have very few things to smile about and I know that sounds selfish and I know that sounds ungrateful, but that’s how it’s been this year. It’s sad, but I feel like I’m having more emotional days, than happy ones.
2. More vulnerable to abusive relationships
This one is a big one. Sadly, I have been in several, without even really knowing it.
My parents, are also showing their true colors as well. They say things that can come across as abusive.
I am kind and I’m know, that I am an easy target, cause I don’t like conflict.
3. Mood changes
This is a big one. I think my “mood swings” started in 2019 and I got upset and I was not feeling good. But I was trying to feel better and to be blunt, I haven’t felt good in such a long time. I don’t think I remember the last time I ever felt good, or felt ok with myself? I don’t feel like my moods were ever stable. I “mask” (autistic term here) and I get exhausted by doing so.
The “mood” problem is that I “lie” to myself on how “happy” I am- when really I want to cry and scream at everyone, but I know and Joan Leslie knows, that’ll never solve anything.
4. Rejection sensitivity & fear of abandonment
OH. MY GOD. This one. I’ve had all my life. I have never really felt “alive”- and I still am that way. I am not “alive.” I really don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t, and yet, people like to tell me “Ohh, I’ll be sad if you’re not here!” To me, that’s bullshit. I have wanted to be where my loved ones are for soo long. They were the ones that tell me that I am ok, and what I do is great.
I hate when people tell me that they don’t like me, or they tell me that I “freak them out”- I get that. I am such a nice person, and I feel like I don’t want to be anymore, but that’s not my nature.
I send lovely packages, that I put WORK AND EFFORT INTO and yet, nothing..
I text people, and yet.. nothing..
BUT- I could be going through so much (meltdowns, depression — suicidal issues) and they can call me and tell me WHAT A SHITTY PERSON I AM. I am “tolerated” for a little while and then, I am disposed of. I am the disposable one of the group — of any group.
I am the one that gets left out, the one that gets blasted for being kind and apparently, sometimes, my good intentions, get seen as “creepy” or make people “uncomforable”.
Then why do I be nice in the first place?
When I was a kid (I’m 32 now), I spent so much time in my room, surrounded by Barbies and stuffed animals. Those were my “friends”.
I didn’t have any. Very few times I felt like I did. But I don’t really have friends. They do not ask me to hang out, I have to be the one who intiates it. They do not check on me, I have to check on them.
Nobody asks me to hang out, nobody knows that I am suffering from lack of love and lack of friendships. I have done all I can to be there for them and trust me, I am always there. I show up, because that’s what kind of a friend I am, but when I am in need, I don’t get responses or anything.
I don’t have a good family support system. I am on my own and I have known this for a long time.
Sometimes, I wish people would be just as happy to see me as I am to see them, or when my name is popping up on their phone, that they get excited to reply to me or call me.
It is a battle, but I know that If I go before anyone, it’ll be for the best.
5. People can become our special interests
This. This is a massive one for me. For me, my special interests are actors/actresses or teens and children from the Holocaust. I try my best not to let it get the best of me. Let me explain:
I really really love movie stars (usually the 1940’s ones, but very and I do mean VERY FEW “modern” ones) and sometimes, I get the chance to interact with them or in one case, become dear friends with them and know them for a long time or know their families.
I get so “excited” and want to support them or love them in all sorts of ways, that sometimes (and of course, being autistic), I don’t know the weight of my actions, and it puts them off..
Then, I get sad and I wonder what I did?
So.. I always have to try to “tone it down” to make “everyone else” feel comfortable.
