“Your Self Worth Is Tied Up In What Strangers Think of You”
I woke up at 4:30 am- I had two dreams, well really 3. The first one I had- I didn’t know where I was, but I was held back by someone who told me “Don’t Look!” I think there was a dead body on the ground. I think I might have known who it was- Christian Helmut Hepner (Hafner). He seemed dead, but he was standing by his body too.
But then I saw him again. He was drinking milk from a Glass bottle (just like the photo)..
Remember in my last post I was explaining that dead people seem to come to me when I sleep? Last night, and this morning, I was paid a visit by him. I don’t know anything about him, excpet the fact he was murdered during the Holocaust, but that’s all I can find. Nothing on the internet- no info about him or anything. But, I had been thinking of him, and I feel like these people know each other in some weird way. I know what I’m saying is strange, but it’s what happened. My husband was at work and I fell asleep at 11:30 PM, which is late for me, but I went to sleep and saw him just drinking milk. He acknowledged me, and we were on some kind of farm, from what my surroundings looked like. He asked me “Why are you worrying about something so dumb?” I think I knew what he was talking about: The co-worker that was being insulting to me and I worried about how my reputation would preceed me.
I couldn’t answer him. He took a sip of milk and said, “Well, it’s going to distract you from what you really want- a good work environment and no- don’t go looking for another job- you are very well liked, even if you don’t think so. The Majority of people love you.”
I couldn’t really say anything- he continued to drink his milk. “Well, do you really want to ruin months of hard work, all because one girl doesn’t understand your energy? Pathetic !” He said, and when he talked he had a German accent. When these people talk to me, especially those who were affected by the Holocaust, they speak to me in their native accents.
I didn’t want to cry, but I said “It just affects me sometimes.” He scoffs and says “They say you’re one of their best, so doesn’t that make you feel good?” He asked. I considered this. “You know, I can read your mind- so I know that you feel a little better, Right?” He asked. I keep forgetting they can- see me- and my inner thoughts. He did make me feel a little better. He said, “ Not everyone will enjoy your company, but there are people that will love your company. It’s irrational for everyone to like you.” I told him I’ve worked hard learning this. “You have a magnetic personality, why let those who aren’t magnitized to you, bother your progress?” He asked.
I couldn’t answer. He continued to sip his milk. I just stared at him. “Really? No Answer? Or are you still stunned?” He asked. “I just forget- I lose myself and I have a hard time- remembering who I am,” I replied. He put his bottle down. “It’s easy to let the bad in your head, it takes a woman not to let the bad affect her,” He said. I told him I was weak. He shook his head and said something that has stuck with me all day. “No, you’re not weak, your self worth is tied in what strangers think of you- and that’s what’s frightening- you care about what strangers think of you- Why? Why would their distorted view affect you?” He asked. I tried not to cry, because he was right. He was saying things I needed to hear. “That girl doesn’t understand what it’s like to be you. I’m sure you’ve heard the say that the person wishes to be you- you believe that?” He asked. I shook my head. “I’ve seen this girl- she doesn’t have your compassion- she doesn’t have your positivity- you are a very happy soul- she doesn’t feel that. But do not question her- you are doing so well-don’t stop now!” He said as he picked up his bottle of milk. He gave me a wink and then I woke up- at 4:30 am. I think he was trying to make me not focus too much on the bad- because I’m doing so well.
To understand yourself, you must take good with the bad. I’m not sure what Christian really needed, but I think he was trying to make me understand that not everyone is going to be accepting or understanding. You must think of the good and how far you’ve come. It’s strange, but he also wanted to make sure I was ok. I was starting to feel bad again and I don’t want to feel that way again. I’m working hard on trying to be happy. I don’t want to go back there again. How could I be so stupid? He was trying to save my mind. I know he was. Only problem, I couldn’t save him. But he knew English, surprisingly. I think what I’m learning about myself is that I can’t overact. These people are telling me what I need, in order to survive.
My doctor has wanted to me to write all my encounters down in a journal and lucky for me, I am already a diarist, but here’s the thing, I don’t see these people in front of me, nor do I hear them, so yes, I’m not schizoid, I just seem them when I close my eyes. I don’t know why I do? I didn’t ask for this. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, I’m usually in a “crisis”. I start panicking, I start having bad anxiety and I start becoming more and more miserable. I don’t want to do that again and if these “ghosts” have to haunt my dreams to keep me alive, then that’s what it’s going to have to take.
