“You’re Hurting Yourself, Not Me- I’m Dead”
I met Dawid the night before, but it seems he wanted to see me again after I had woken up after seeing him once already.
He seemed to be more eager to meet me, now more than ever. I wasn’t sure why, but he seemed like he wanted to talk? I didn’t know. I was awoken by the sound of his voice saying the version of my name that he has: Katzka.
I woke up where he left me the first time (don’t worry, I’ll type that out that story too), on the park bench.
“It’ll just be you and me,” He said, from behind me. I turned around.
“Why? Where’s Tomas? or Donia?” I asked.
“Are you still not trusting of me?” He asked as he walked around to come sit beside me. I scooted a few inches over.
“Oh my goodness, has Donia infected you?” He said.
“What?” I asked.
“About not trusting me?” He replied, reaching for my hand. I retracted my hand.
“I don’t really trust anyone right now,” I said. He sighed.
“I had a feeling that was the case. I told you I’d tell if I were to kiss you again,” He said. I shook my head.
“That’s not the point,” I said.
“Then what’s wrong? Why are you suddenly not- you know- yourself?” He asked.
“What? The girl who just let everyone touch her and kiss her? For no real reason at all?” I asked, getting upset.
“No.. not that girl at all. You’re angry and you’re upset, and you’re trying to stop something from happening that hasn’t even happened yet,” He said. He grabbed my hand. I didn’t struggle.
“You’re thinking too hard, you’re trying too hard, you’re stressing yourself out, and I’m not sure why? You’re hurting yourself, not me, I’m dead,” He said.
“Do you even enjoy kissing me? Or is it a chore you feel like you have to do?” I asked, a little annoyed. He looked at me in shock.
“A Chore? Kissing? Never!! My kisses, as I told you, are to help you feel better, not to make it a chore! You really think it’s a chore for me to kiss you?” He asked, getting aggervated. I knew If I’d fight with him, it was not going to end well. I did what I do best, cry.
“God, Kate, why?” He whispered.
“I’m a Fucking mess, and you know it. Why help me? I am trying to avoid all the bad thoughts again,” I said.
“You cannot try to be happy all the time, you have to have some emotions. You’re going to have those days, where you feel shitty, that’s just life,” Dawid said. I got up from the bench and cried, and screamed at the same time.
“Your mind, it’s a wild ocean. There’s so much of it to explore and yet, you’re not trying to explore it. You just want the waves to be still all the time, and that’s not how an ocean works!” Dawid said.
I knew he was right. My mind was like an ocean, but I kept wanting everything to be perfect and still. But, of course, If I don’t let the waves come, then I’m going to keep chasing a personality that cannot simply exist.
I couldn’t bare to argue with him. I knew in my heart, I loved him (Yes, I’m married, but I loved Dawid first. I had loved him since I was in High School and before you say it, Yes, I know he’s very much dead).
He came near me and then he wrapped me in a hug. He whispered, “Can I give you something?” I looked up at him and I closed my eyes. I could feel his mouth on mine. In an instant, I felt warm and I felt better.
Kissing a dead person is weird. First off, you feel bad, but at the same time, you feel kinda good. Dawid’s been dead for more than 50 years, and he still looked the same age when he died at age 19. He knows that my “lover” (husband) is alive, but he still felt connected to me.
When I stopped crying in his arms, and he finally got done kissing me, I was feeling so much better.
“Sometimes, all we need to do is be held by the ones we love,” He said.
I didn’t know if he loved me, or was just giving me advice?
It’s weird, as an autistic woman, I can’t comprehend sometimes what is happening, but I just take it as I go.
But Dawid’s eyes met mine. To me, he looked real as ever. He was real, but sometimes, when dead people present themselves, they show you what they want you to see. So, if a person died at age 90, but when you see them, they show you what they want to look like. Usually, when I see these dead kids or teens, they show me what they looked like before they died. In Dawid’s case, he looked like a skinny guy and he looked so handsome, I know the photo of him is not a clear photo and dammit to the Holocaust for destroying these beautiful photos of these kids and teens, but with this one photo, he has shown me what he looks like. He has brown hair, that is kinds of scraggly, but he has these dark brown eyes, that are gorgeous.
When I first heard of Dawid (his name is pronouced David. ‘Dawid’ is the Polish version of David.) Sierakowiak (Sher-a Kovie-ack), I was in high school, trying to find out more about him. But sadly, he died in the Lodz Ghetto and his diaries were miraculously discovered and published. I sometimes give him as a gift to people who I feel like really need him.
When I was in high school, I had a dream about him, but he didn’t really do any talking, and he just looked at me. So you’re asking me, why am I seeing him a lot now? Answer: I think he’s trying to help me, and he wants my attention and he’s got it.
I volunteer at a Holocaust Museum. I am their Youth and diary historian. I am their go-to person when it comes to Holocaust Youth Diaries or speaking of Children or Teens from the Holocaust.
With Dawid, it’s no exception, he was considered a teen. It’s odd, yes, I’m 30, and I study the lives of Jewish teens and children, but that’s because I have the mind of a 16 year-old.
Sorry getting too on a tanget…
Dawid felt cold and warm at the same time. I don’t know how to describe it.
He told me that I was being too hard on myself. I was. He said, “Don’t worry about your mind going back to that dark place, because you have so many people who will make sure you don’t get to that place. You don’t understand, we’re always here to make sure you don’t come to that gastly decision, of ending it. Because if you do, we’ll never be able to find you,” He said. I could feel my heart jumping out of my chest it was beating so fast.
“We need you to be our voice, and without you, we can’t come across the void,” He said. I knew that he knew that he and others meant so much to me, giving them a voice. Tomas had said something similar to me a month earlier, when my head started falling apart.
I knew he knew I didn’t want to do that to him, not let him speak. I wanted to give them another chance at life and they were giving me my chance at life, not to fuck it up.
Dawid began swaying me in his arms. It’s like we were slow dancing, but there was no music. He held me close to him. He whispered, “Katzka, you have support, please don’t think you don’t.” I began to feel tired and then he slowly dissolved.
