“You’re Slowly Falling To Pieces”
Last Night, I went to sleep at around 11:30. I know with waking up at 8 and then napping around 3 PM, only to go back to sleep at 11:30. I talked with my husband (who was at work) and then I hit the sheets.
I was feeling rather sleepy and when I closed my eyes, I heard, “Tis about time I showed up!” I woke up and realized I was sitting next to a girl, who was wearing a white shirt under a green plaid dress. She wore black Mary Jane shoes with white socks. Her hair was short, but not too short.
We were on the ledge of a building, very high up.
“If you look down, you’ll get sick,” The girl said. I looked over at her.
“Umm, do I?” I asked.
“Ruth- You might know my last name?” She said. Ruth..Maier…
“Maier?” I asked.
“Yep, don’t wear it out!” She said.
“What are we doing up here?” I asked.
“We’ll get down, follow me, be careful, or you’ll fall,” Ruth said as she helped me up. We walked down some stairs and reached the bottom to a grassy field.
“What was that place?” I asked.
“It was a place that I go up to think. Now, you’re Katie, aren’t you?” Ruth said. I nodded. She walked in front of me and I didn’t move.
“You coming, or are you going to stand there and get lost, like you usually are?” She asked. I ran to her and we both started walking.
“You’re mind is asking a question, isn’t it?” Ruth asked.
“What is with you guys and reading my mind?” I asked.
“Because Katie if we don’t, we’ll have no idea how to help you. We aren’t done with you yet, until we make sure you’re alright, and as of right now, you’re slowly falling to pieces, and don’t deny that you aren’t,” Ruth said.
“I don’t think I am, but am I?” I asked, not realizing, of course, Ruth was right.
“YES! You’re still trying to figure out if you’re even good enough for this world, and I’m here to make sure you don’t end up where we ended up,” Ruth said.
I started breathing heavily.
“You know, I’ve noticed, that you feel like your life has no value, why? Why don’t you give a damn about your own life?” Ruth asked.
“I — I never thought I was anything special. I don’t matter to anyone, though they say I do, I know I really don’t,” I said.
“That’s your mind talking! That’s not you. Part of you believes that you have a lot of value, and the other half, is more dominant, saying you have no value in anyone’s life. What do you think that does to your self- worth? It ruins it!” Ruth said.
I stood there, thinking about what she was saying.
“Katie, you need to understand, that days are going to be bad, but that doesn’t make you a bad person,” Ruth said.
“Why am I falling to pieces? Aren’t I doing any better?” I asked.
“You are and your mind is tempting to go to that dark place. WE are trying to make sure you don’t amuck over there,” Ruth said.
“What do I do? To make it better and go away?” I asked.
“Well, for one thing, you’re trying too hard to please everyone. I know you love your lover and I know you love your friends, but also save some of that love for yourself. Loving yourself is the hardest thing for you, why?” Ruth asked.
“Because I feel like a complete fraud,” I said.
“That’s your mind telling you that. I know you’re not perfect, no one is. If everyone was perfect, we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now,” Ruth said.
I looked at her.
“You’re different Katie. You want to keep others alive, but when it comes to you- that’s a whole different story. You won’t keep your own self alive, and that’s something you need to do,” Ruth said.
“You all matter-” I tried to say.
“And you don’t? Do you know what your lover would do if he found out you died? DEVASTATED! NO! I don’t think Devastated is a big enough word! Absolutely crushed! Don’t think about hurting yourself!” Ruth yelled.
“I honestly wasn’t thinking of it!” I yelled back.
“GOOD! You shouldn’t! Your life HAS MEANING! KATIE! IT REALLY DOES! Your position when it comes to us, is ENORMOUS! Truly! You make a difference at that museum!” Ruth said.
I looked at her, and she meant business.
“Hope, is a wonderful thing Katie, and you should have it. Believe me when I say that we watch you all the time. When you talk about us at the museum, you do so much for us, now we are doing something for you. Don’t think that life isn’t worth it, because it is. I know I wanted to be with Gunvor, but that didn’t happen, because I was dead by the time the war ended,” Ruth said.
“I know, you loved her,” I said.
“Love, can be tricky and it’s a strong word, but I know I watch you and your lover, and you LOVE each other. You really do. Don’t give up hope on what can be and will be,” She said.
I noticed myself getting wary, and my vision becoming blurry.
“My time is nearly gone, but remember Katie, HOPE! Have HOPE!”
